I am off to Asia soon!

Hey Friends!
Get pumped ... I leave for Asia on Thursday! I figured I would throw my itinerary out there ... I would definitely appreciate your prayers as we roam the East!

Jan. 1 -- Leave Dallas at night for LA
Jan. 3 -- Arrive in Hong Kong early in the morning
Jan. 4 -- head to Phnom Penh (Cambodia) in the evening
Jan.6 -- Drive to Siem Reap
Jan. 8 -- Fly to Hanoi (Vietnam)
Jan. 10 -- Off to Hue
Jan. 12 -- Drive to Hoi An
Jan. 14 -- Drive to Danang and Ho Chi Min City
Jan. 16 -- Fly to Singapore
Jan. 17 -- Leave Singapore for LA/Dallas!

That's right ... 4 countries in 17 days! I am so excited!
It will be really interesting to travel somewhere without it being a family vacation or a missions trip ... despite that intentionality, I am really excited for all that God is going to do!

Some ways to pray:
- I have had some pretty intense headaches the last couple days ... I don't want headaches to get in the way of my Asian debauchery :)
- I tend to lose stuff -- I am terrified I will lost my passport, or my money or myself!
- That I would learn a lot! I know the Lord wants to open my eyes to more of his creation, more of the world and more of Himself!

I will see what I can do about updating my blog, but no promises :)

Semester Reflections

Socrates once said something along the lines of "the unreflected life is not worth living." In all my philosophical wadings I have found that Socrates is pretty smart, so maybe he was on to something here. Turns out, a certain tattoo on my wrist is a good reminder that scripture calls us to meditate on God's wonderful works. So, it seems to me, that looking back at the past in order to "know thyself" and to know God more fully is a very good thing. This is one of those reasons that I wish I was good at journaling -- traversing through the past few months would be easier with a journal as a map. But I just can't seem to find the time (or the desire) to write much down.

It has been a really rough semester for me as much as I hate to admit it (Disclaimer -- rough is a relative term ... my life is pretty easy). My experience in Philly distanced me a little more from some of my friends, my exit interview became the bane of my existence, and I (as usual) had far too much on my plate. And it seems that everyone I know is getting engaged ... or is in a serious relationship. It has been a lonely semester for me ... I don't think I have ever felt so alienated -- by my experiences, by my intelligence (and, in some circles, lack thereof), by my singleness.
But it has also been really awesome ... I have been a part of some really amazing things, deeply known some really amazing people, had a lot of fun ... shoot, I got to go wedding dress shopping with my best friend! How fun is that! I have gotten a better hold on the things that bring me the most joy, and have started to learn to say "no" to those things that are not life-giving. And I am succeeding in most of my endeavors ... my GPA would rock if I had never been pre-med :)

But there are two things that I have become painfully aware of (there had to be a list at some point):
1) I had to fill out this application for my potential internship, and it was very illuminating. I am really good at filling out applications that involve the what-have-you-done kind of questions. I have accumulated a fairly substantial list of extra-curriculars, honors, impressive classes, etc. and it is easy to recount those things on paper. But only one question on the entire application was like that. All the other questions where the who-are-you kind or the what-do-you-believe kind. It was definitely a journey to fill it out -- I can't say I dwell too much on what my spiritual gifts are, or ways that I have impacted other people. But it was really good. It forced me to solidify what I believe (which involved me coming across an AMAZING essay by NT Wright called "How Can the Bible be Authoritative?" ... seriously, read it. its awesome) and also who I am. It made me very self aware ... which leads to number 2...

2) I don't particularily like who I am right now. And I can very clearly connect that to my lack of time spent with the Lord. The beginning of the semester was hard, but in my lonliness I ran to the Lord. A lot. And it was incredibly comforting ... the Lord knows best how to soothe the hurts of my hurt and urge me into more of Himself, and it did me good. But my life got busy, and I started to skip that precious time, though I missed it terrible. And then I seemed to forget about it all together. I thought I had found a group of friends who really understood me ... turns out I was wrong, and I left behind my truest friend in the process. But even more than that, I have totally fallen into the misguided notion that what I do defines who I am -- in fact, I have allowed that to be true of my life. And in order to get the 4.0 and plan the Poverty Summit and keep up with my responsibilities I walked away from time with the Lord. I am awesome at doing things for God and talking about God, but loving God is something that I have become pretty terrible at. So I have an awesome resume, but very little joy. And I hate it.
I was in a heated debate with a friend about the Bible at one point this semester, and though I couldn't rationalize exactly why I believe it to be so important, I knew in my heart that those people that I have found most life-giving are hearers and doers of the Word. Thats what I want for this coming semester. I want God to rekindle a passion for his word, both written and spoken to me.

It has been a good semester ... and even the hard things are not in vain. I know that God is developing perseverance in me ... I want a perseverant faith and a consistent communion with the Lord. Get pumped!

Oh, and here's for you, Amy -- my sister is the bomb diggity!

Instead of studying for finals ...

- So I am officially no longer a member of KXA (as of last Tuesday). Or, should I say I am an alumna (is that the right word?) more than an ex-member. I don't think that has really hit me yet ... it has been a big part of my life for 3 years, and I think it will be a couple weeks into next semester before I really realize I am done! It has been a growing experience for sure ... I have met some of my best friends, had some really proud moments in leadership (and some not-so-proud ones) and had a LOT of fun! I have invested so much of myself in the organization that I think I was just really ready to be done. It makes it hard for me to be motivated to plan rush when I'm technically not even a member. Ugh. 

- This is why my life is awesome ... last night Casey and I outfitted ourselves in full-body pajamas, hats and boots and we ambushed one of the staff members that we both work with (Karin Klinger ... who is awesome!) at her house! It was really fun ... we ate Panda express and watched "Children of Men." It was great ... although most things done in full-body pajamas are pretty stupendous!

- Children of Men is a pretty thought-provoking movie ... you should see it. It's about the future world in which women are infertile and the youngest human being is 18 years old. I wondered aloud why you would continue to go to work and live a normal life if you knew the human race was going to end in like 60 years? And then it made me wonder why that makes a difference -- as Seneca would say, we live as though we are immortal. I rarely ever consider the fact that not only my life but also the lives of those around me are very transient. That is pretty intense. I want to start living with that kind of mindset -- not in a morbid way, but in a realistic way. How much more intentional would I be?

The last couple days ...

- On Friday, I got to dress up like Mrs. Claus for Santa's Workshop -- its an event hosted by Baylor (and planned by my fabulous roommate!) for around 900 underprivileged kids to come and eat lunch, make a craft, decorate cookies and get a present. Matt, the head of Student Activities, and I donned some North Pole garb and hung out with a ton of little kids! I felt like a celebrity -- we walked down the aisle between all the tables, waved at kids and wished wished everyone a Merry Christmas! We took a billion pictures, sat on Christmas thrones, and smiled more than I can possibly communicate (my face literally hurt at the end of the morning)! It was beyond fun ... it is doing things for other people that really makes Christmas awesome!

- I bought a plane ticket on Thursday night to fly to Georgia for the weekend ... spontaneous, eh? I went to find out more about the internship at 12Stone Church that I have been thinking about since March. It was a whirlwind weekend ... I had to drive really early to get to Dallas for my flight, and I got to spend most of Saturday hanging out with Sammi ... love that! While she was at work, I got to talk with Seth (who has come to Philly both times) about being an intern, and it was awesome. And then I went to church the next morning ... it was crazy! 12Stone is a mega-church for sure ... and the prettiest one I have ever seen. Worship was sweet, the pastor was great and the church gave $100 to every family that committed to spend it on "intentional acts of Christmas." It was pretty cool to see ... although it was kind of weird to have a lot of police officers milling around the church (in light of the fact that the Lord was present ... could He not watch over that money?). It was definitely an experience ... a big change from Church Under the Bridge, thats for sure ;) It was especially interesting in light of the chapter of my thesis that I have been working on ... I wrote a whole section about churches who cater to the every whim of their congregants. But in the face of my little frustrations with the apparent wealth of the church, the Lord reminded me of two things (1) who am I to talk? (2) that the hearts of everyone that I have met at 12Stone are awesome ... they are clearly seeking the Lord so I need to get over my critical attitude. I got to grab lunch with Miles (the college pastor who is in charge of the internship program) and Anson (the high school pastor) and it was great. The questions asked were very interesting... and I am not sure what kind of impression I left. Hopefully a good one ;) I left GA much more comfortable with the realities of the internship, which was much needed. It was neat to see how my passions aligned incredibly well with Anson's dream for his group ... way to orchestrate that, Lord! All that said ... I need to pray a lot (and I need other people praying). I want whatever the Lord wants ... but I think this might be it!

Mighty to Save

It is a really good thing that God does not leave me to my own devices ... it has become clear to me in the last week exactly how wicked I am. It seems to me that there must be some kind of difference between sins that are committed unawares and those that are done with full knowledge of their menace. 

I have indulged in deliberate disobedience -- obviously this is something we all do fairly regularly, but for whatever reason it hit me as particularly evident this week. I knew exactly what I was doing ... God would speak gently against my actions, and (even more than just ignoring God) I said "I do what I want." I was working on my thesis this week, and exhorting my reader to abandon the do-whatever-you-want notion of freedom for the Biblical understanding that true freedom is experienced only within boundaries. I need to take a little of my own medicine.

I was reflecting with my best friend this week on all the times that we have felt the leading of the spirit and decided it wasn't worth heeding -- and we also remembered times that we said "yes" to the Lord and were richly blessed by that obedience.

It has become very evident that God says no to my self-indulgence for my own good.

The famous prayer, "God, save me from myself" has become my anthem for this time in my life.  Good thing God is mighty enough to do that!

It's been a little while ...

Here are some updates/thoughts on my life (I tried to give the reader's digest version of all these things...):

- I spent this past weekend at Notre Dame for a conference on the family put on by their Center for Ethics and Culture ... IT WAS AWESOME! I heard some of the most important scholars in the nation talk about Christian perspectives on the family, I learned a TON, bought a lot of good books, slept a lot, ate A LOT of free food (thanks for my filet mignon, Baylor!), laughed a lot and strolled through a beautiful campus. It was an awesome intellectual retreat, and I loved every minute of it ... as much as I wanted to go to Notre Dame for grad school before, now I want to go for sure (Lord willing, of course)!

- So I was working on an application to teach Bible at a Christian school (why not?), and I got stuck about 5 questions into the app when it asked me for my denominational preference. I have no idea ... is that bad? I am 21, and still have no idea what denomination I would even want to think about identifying myself with. Even my protestant identity is a little bit fragile at this point, so picking a denomination is a lot to ask. Any ideas? :)

- I have been thinking daily about birth control/adoption/having kids and the ethics surrounding those topics. Pretty ridiculous for someone so single, eh?

- Speaking of which, a potential relationship opportunity has presented itself -- I have been an incredibly fickle woman about the whole thing, refusing to decide how I feel about it ... fortunately, the conversation has yet to arise where the decision must be made. But I think my fickleness is a pretty clear indication that I know it isn't right. And God, as usual, has done some fun things to make his will clear to me. For example, a good friend sent me a note telling me how much my faithfulness in dating and contentment in singleness has blessed/encouraged/inspired her. The timing was too right for it to be coincidence ... I think God just wants me to keep rockin' the single thing -- story of my life :-)

- I signed up for a class on Paul and his writings for next semester ... I am excited to have a class again that will dig into the Word. 

- I have been offered 3 different jobs for post graduation ... without filling out applications or even inquiring about jobs. I wish I could do them all ... 

- Hugs are pretty much my favorite thing ever, and I could use a good one right now. My two favorite people to get hugs from don't live anywhere near me ... lame.

- I have the first ten pages of my thesis due Monday ... AHHHHH!

ummm ... i guess thats it!

Eavesdropping

So I realized this week that I really love to eavesdrop. It's a guilty pleasure. I just think it is so interesting to hear what other people have to say: sometimes I learn new stuff, sometimes I am entertained, sometimes I feel better about myself and other times I am incredibly humbled. 

Some recent examples:

- I was walking across campus today and I passed these three guys that were talking excitedly about something (I never gathered what it was they were talking about...). When I say excitedly, I mean it. They were doing that thing where you are saying words, but the words are simultaneously laughs. And they were loud. And the fact that they were so excited made me smile and laugh out loud. It was fun.

- When I was trying to study at common grounds with Kimberly yesterday, we both ended up just listening to a couple of girls on a rush date for a sorority (I won't name it here...). It was ridiculous ... I know that I have my dumb-girl moments, but this was every stereotype of sorority girls wrapped up in one conversation. One of the girls used the word "like" nine times in one sentence. My favorite part was when they started talking about politics ... it was clear that they wanted to make sure that their daddies have secure bank accounts so they can accumulate more true religion jeans. It was awesome.

- I caught the jist of a conversation that occurred in the isle of HEB -- and it was in Spanish. Love that. Eavesdropping is a good way to keep up on your foreign language skills.

This love for eavesdropping is probably a result of my hatred for being left out of the loop -- anyone who knows me is more than aware that I loathe being left out on something. So I eavesdrop. And the result of this guilty pleasure only adds to my lack of productivity and focus while studying. Oh well.

Baylor Girls

Man, I am blogging a lot this week. I must have a lot to say :-)

Here is some good stuff from "Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. The speaker is a demon, telling one of his little demon buddies how best to tempt humans:
"We now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty more transitory than most, we aggravate the female's chronic horror of growing old and render her less willing and less able to bear children ... the figures in popular art are falsely drawn ... they appear firmer and more slender and more boyish than nature allows a full grown woman to be ... as a result, we are directing the desires of men to something which does not exist -- making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible."

I, as a 21-year-old woman, am deeply feeling the consequences of this. Just a few days ago, I was in the middle of a conversation where several girls (really awesome ones, I might add) were talking about their relative skinniness, and they were throwing around jean sizes like 0 and 2. How is that supposed to make a size 6 or 8 feel? Turns out, I have a butt ... and hips ... and thighs. Why shouldn't I? Why is the "standard" so small when the standard woman is not?

I know young women as a whole suffer the consequences of this unrealistic standard ... Baylor has one of the nation's highest rates of anorexia and bulimia. I feel significantly more attractive while I am wearing man clothes and sweating in Philly than I do on some of my best days here. I love Baylor, but the atmosphere is toxic when it comes to this issue. 

I just needed to vent about that ... and I need to let the Lord's thoughts on me dictate my self-understanding. 

Superficiality

I really want some superficiality in my life. The task set before me each and every day as a student is to think about big questions ... most of which do not have any kind of concrete answer. Don't get me wrong ... I love it; in fact, the most frustrating thing about my science classes was that you either got a question right or wrong. But to have something like 15 of these big questions in your head is incredibly overwhelming! For example, at various points today I have considered (1) whether leaders should be moral exemplars or if it is valuable to expose flaws (2) a list of 10 different scriptural mandates and whether they are negotiable or not in the context of missions (3) what I would do if the sufferings of other people depended on my personal decision to apostasize (4) whether God has grace with apostates (5) predestination and its relationship to grace and (6) how they get all the little potato bits to stick together in tater tots [this is relatively inconsequential, but I really am stumped]. Thats a lot to dwell on.

Because I am always in the thinking zone, I have a hard time getting out of it. I went for a walk tonight with a friend, ended up back at her apartment, and started talking about Calvinism with a different friend who was over studying. We talked for a good hour, and when Christy mentioned our discussion to her roommate, they laughed about how it was no big suprise. I always find myself in the middle of really intense conversations, and my brain is tired. But really ... it is tired. But I can't seem to escape all the questions that are floating around in my head... I HAVE to think about them for school, and I can't just turn that on and off. 

I think I am way less fun now than I used to be. I watched a video documentary on Winston Churchill I made in high school, and it made me miss my old self in some respects. I don't miss being flippant, but I do miss freedom from the burden of constant contemplation.

I want to talk about boys and movies and music and ... well, anything that isn't explicitly deep. I want some superficiality.

I couldn't think of anything to title this post

Here are some unrelated thoughts on my life right now (as per usual) ...

(1) I am reading this book called "Silence" for my Christian Missions class, and it is really intense -- it is about the persecution of Christian missionaries in Japan in the 1600's. The beginning of the book reminded me of the weakness of my faith. It describes the torture of some faithful Japanese, and the fact that they didn't even cry out in the midst of persecution blows my mind. But the book ends up following one western priest in particular, and the reader is privy to his thoughts on his ministry. And we find him frustrated, angry at the silence of God and desperate. It was a powerful reminder that no human in and of themselves is capable of any measure of real faith ... but with the aid of grace, he is given the endurance and peace to deal with his circumstances. I haven't finished the book, so I don't have any decisive thoughts yet, but it is a good one to read when pondering the tension between death and ineffective ministry in countries of persecution. Pick it up.

(2) I am afraid of my kitchen, because there are nasty waterbugs in there sometimes. But seriously ... sometimes I want to make food, but I don't want to be in there so I eat somewhere else. And, currently, there is a trapped waterbug under a glass in our living room. I don't have the strength of character to kill it. EW! [Side note -- I just want to clarify that I am not such a girl about all bugs. It is just these nasty waterbugs and cockroaches that I can't handle, and I will be the first to admit it]

(3) Vitamin String Quartet is awesome!

(4) I want to encourage everyone I know to buy Fair Trade items for Christmas presents! It is an awesome way to bless and aid in the flourishing of impoverished communities around the world ... and you get really unique gifts! If you are looking for a place to go in Waco, hit up World Cup Cafe or the World Hunger Farm. If you don't live in Waco, look it up. 

Ok, I think thats all I've got. Love y'all.

Exit Interview

Oh my goodness ... I am done with my exit interview! As of Weds at 5:40, I passed!!!! Get so excited! For those of you who don't know, it was an interview in which I was held responsible for a reading list that I created my freshman year. Here is a list of the books that I had to be able to speak intelligently about:

• Aristotle, Politics
  
• St. Augustine, City of God
  
• Homer, Odyssey
  
• Thucydides, History of the Peloponnesian War
  
• Aristophanes, Clouds
  
• Cicero, On the Republic
  
• Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
  
• Bunyan, Pilgrim’s Progress
  
• Benedict, The Rule of St. Benedict
  
• Luther, On Christian Liberty
  
• Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
  
• Machiavelli, The Prince
  
• Thomas More, Utopia
  
• Cervantes, Don Quixote
  
• Shakespeare, Hamlet, Othello, Tempest , and Macbeth
  
• Chesterton, Orthodoxy
  
• John Locke, Second Treatise on Government
  
• Alexander Pope, Rape of the Lock
  
• Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
  
• Hamilton, Madison and Jay, The Federalist Papers
  
• Joyce, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
  
• Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
  
• Eliot, The Wasteland and Other Poems
  
• Toni Morrison, Beloved
  
• Beckett, Waiting for Godot
  
• Kafka, Metamorphoses  
  

Ya, its a good thing Jesus had my back, because otherwise I would have failed. But God is good and faithful, and I survived the hour long interview. They mostly asked about the philosophy and theology on my list, but I ended up getting to just kind of wrestle with the texts along with one of the professors. This interview stirred up two thoughts in me: (1) I really would love to go to graduate school, and stay in academia ... I want to wrestle with these texts and others for a long time! (2) that I would never be able to do grad school in my own strength :)

It was an interesting interview because the two passions of my life kind of collided in the two professors that were interviewing me ... Dr. Miner representing my thinker side and Dr. Singletary representing my doer side. I am so excited to do youth ministry for the first few years post-college, and (as Dr. Miner wisely said) I have the privilege of working both in the trenches and in books ... my experiences speak profoundly about my academic learning, and vice versa. 

I am not sure if any of that was coherent ... it been a long couple of weeks. I had a midterm and a story due today, so I am finally getting to enjoy the freedom of being done with my exit interview. And as a special gift from the Lord, I got to hear Bethany Dillon tonight. Just her voice, an acoustic guitar and Jesus made for a special evening. And as she so beautifully sang, I want to throw a "Hallelujah!" up to the Lord for sustaining me, gifting me, humbling me, growing me and perfectly loving me. 

Peace

God is so good. I mean, it is pretty ridiculous. Sometimes I just look up at the sky and wonder if He can really be for real ... I mean, why he takes such care in loving me escapes my grasp. For example, I have been given several moments of preemptive love and wisdom in the last few weeks ... how cool is that? To think that I am on His mind, and He uses his foreknowledge to prepare me for circumstances is awesome. Who am I?

An extra special gift that he gave me this weekend was a large dose of his peace. Two things that have been harassing my spirit in the last week are discontentment and fear ... and the Lord literally went out of His way to rescue me from those torments. Friday night, at the sisterhood retreat for my sorority, one of the local college pastors came to preach for us. And it was straight up from the Lord for my life. He talked about tests from the Lord, and gave us two examples out of Exodus:

(1) When God brings the Israelites out of Egypt (and out of slavery), they get to the desert and start whining to the Lord about how they miss their pots of meat (haha, thats kind of a funny thing to miss). Ok, so in 16:4, God says that he will rain down manna from heaven in order to TEST them. The Lord is giving them an opportunity to trust Him, and to lean solely on His provision. Just like they Israelites were discontent in their bellies, I have been discontent in relationships. God is providing manna, and I was whining for something more. I felt like over 3 years of manna has been enough, and I deserved something else. Turns out, the Israelites ate manna for forty years ... which means I may be single for forty years, or more. Instead of viewing this as a problem, God reminded me that this is a beautiful opportunity to show my devotion to Him. Hard to hear, but good.

*Side note -- this reminds me of lembras in Lord of the Rings ... it is elven bread given to the fellowship of the ring to sustain them on their journey. When Sam and Frodo get near the end of the journey, they have nothing else left  -- and the book says the the lembras "had a potency that increased as travelers relied on it alone and did not mingle it with other foods." 

(2) Alright, and now for fear ... check out Exodus 20:18-21. God is settin' off all kinds of fireworks on the top of Mount Sinai, and the Israelites tell Moses that they don't want to hear from God, because they will die. This pretty clearly reflected my attitude about my impending exit interview ... I was afraid to pray about it, for fear that God would make me fail as an opportunity to seriously humble me. I was cowering in front of a powerful God, and forgetting his goodness and abundant love for me. How this happened, I am not really sure -- the Lord has made a point to be good to me, and I am so quick to forget. But God reminded me that they display of his awesomeness is a test, where I can respond in fear or in holy fear (or reverence). So I am now choosing to pray for my exit interview :)

So those tumultuous places in my heart were calmed and covered in peace. Seriously ... how is God so good?

Dork Club

I had dork club last night (otherwise known as Crane Scholars) and it was awesome! For those who don't know, Crane Scholars is -- and I quote -- "an intensive program for Baylor undergraduates sponsored by the Baylor Institute for Faith and Learning that encourages and supports gifted students who are interested in connections between faith, learning, and vocation. In particular, the program identifies and mentors students who are considering graduate school and careers in academic life; thus, the program aims to help cultivate the next generation of Christian scholars and teachers. The program convenes dinners, seminars, and workshops in an effort to foster intellectually rich discussions about faith and scholarly inquiry as students are introduced to first-rate Christian scholars and their writings." Now you know why I call it dork club ... it sounds much less elitist than Crane Scholars ... I feel like I have to throw my nose up in the air and wear some frumpy clothes just to say it : )

Normally, going to dork club has two effects:
(1) it humbles me. Sometimes I think I am smart, and then I go and hang out with students who are ridiculously brilliant ... I mean, we were talking about Nietzsche and Hegel in the car on the way there. I dream sometimes about going to Notre Dame for my PhD and think it could be possible, and then I remember the quality of scholarship that is occurring amongst my peers. It is crazy!
(2) it frustrates me. Supposedly we are talking about the interaction of faith and an active intellectual life ... but it usually ends up as a forum for pedantic students to throw out the names of big thinkers and demean anything that isn't overtly philosophical. For example, one of my peers said something incredibly degrading about the Baylor Interdisciplinary Poverty Initiative, something that I think is really awesome. Perhaps this is me being too cynical, but they see anything practical as totally useless. Why should we talk about poverty issues when we can talk about "the good?"(... said sarcastically). I am under the impression that you can't even begin to approach eudaemonia without taking Jesus at his word when it comes to serving the poor. But I will get off my soapbox.

So, after a very long day yesterday, the last thing that I wanted to do was drive 45 minutes away to spend my Friday night talking about a book that I didn't get to read very much of. But I went. And it was awesome. First of all, Dr. Jeffrey's house is on Lake Whitney, so it was beautiful! And we had the most delicious dinner ever! But the true joy of last night was our conversation ... I came away with an beautiful thought and a big question:

Thought:
"We love because he first loved us." Awesome, right? The book that we are reading is about this woman who is so convinced that she is living life rightly in light of the word of God, but she is the most morally decrepit character I have ever encountered. The solution? She needs to be loved. GK Chesterton (my new favorite author) says that "Beauty and the Beast" is the perfect picture of how being loved makes us capable of loving others. But in order to understand the power of love, we must first understand our own wretchedness. I can rejoice in my unfortunate state, because it makes the love of Jesus that much more poignant -- and it gives me the perspective to attempt loving those who seem unlovable.

Question:
We are told that if we follow Jesus, we will be persecuted. So how do you distinguish from persecution and the efforts of others to tell you that you are not living rightly? This woman in the book had a serious martyr complex, and all attempts to correct her perverted behavior were seen as her cross that she had to bear. Even really awesome people, like Boromir from the Lord of the Rings, are capable of leading us away from the truth ... so how do we distinguish conviction from persecution? Good thing we have the Holy Spirit ... thats all I can say. Feel free to throw your thoughts out there.

Man, how cool is it that I got to go to a professors house last night, eat good food by a lake and have an incredibly high caliber converstation? Pretty sweet, I would say.

Barnes and Noble

I went to Barnes and Noble to study tonight ... that was a bad idea.
My friend Kim says thatsomething about the smell of Abercrombie makes her want to go on shopping sprees. Well, I walked into Barnes and Noble, and the smell of new books steeped my mind with dreams of adventures and philosophical escapades experienced in the warmth of my grandma's quilt with a good cup of coffee (if I am really dreaming, it would be a butterscotch breve).
Unfortunately, most of the reading I am doing at this point occurs sitting in an uncomfortable chair for the utilitarian purpose of staying awake, while downing a cup of not good coffee (again, to stay awake). I enjoy the majority of the books that I am reading, but I would love to be able to read them in my time. I want to be able to reflect on the witty wisdom of Chesteron or the importance of Coriolanus' life ... but I can't. I have to read everything quickly, just to get it done. I ache for the day that I can walk into the bookstore with pefect liberty to choose any book, and to read it at my leisure. I want to be fully awake for every word I read ... what if I have missed something really important or striking or poignant because of the haze of exhaustion that has fallen over my life? Shoot.
I spent a few minutes indulging my desire to look at books, and it made me excited for the days to come. I am really glad that it seems God isn't calling me directly into graduate school, because I eagerly anticipate some relief from the constant influx of ideas that I don't have time to wrestle with. I am binging on great texts, but not maximizing on the soulful nutrition that could be gained from more time to digest.
Actually, I think that October 8th should provide a lot of the relief I am hoping for ... assuming that I pass my exit interview. Keep that in your prayers ... I need God to throw some wisdom/knowledge my way. And then maybe the smell of new books will be a present joy as opposed to a distant longing ...

I am so blessed!

This has already been a really rough but really awesome semester.

I keep having these moments where I start to think about my life, and I realize how ridiculously blessed I am. In fact, I teared up earlier today thinking about all that I have been given ... it is crazy! Here are just a few of the little things that make me survey my life in wonder ....

- I have the most amazing job in the world! I get paid to do things that I would absolutely love to be a part of anyways! For example, I am in the process of planning Baylor's first ever poverty summit .... how cool is that! We are going to get faculty, staff, students and community members to convene and talk about issues surrounding poverty! There will be creative and emotional elements to the summit as well as an academic discussion ... it is going to be so great! In the process of the planning for this, I have gotten to meet and talk with all kinds of people at Baylor and in Waco that are doing awesome things in the name of Jesus for the poor in this community! On that note, another part of my job is creating materials for the "Steppin' Out -- More than just a day" campaign to help make students aware of the needs and opportunities to serve here. How did I get so lucky to have this job!?

- I have a patient and loving thesis advisor who understands my heart for my thesis ... and cares enough to fight with me for it!

- Bethany Dillon is coming to Waco... again! I pretty much freaked out when I saw the poster ... she is my favorite artist ever and I get to see her perform again!

- I get to read "The Lord of the Rings" for a class - granted, I have to read ridiculous amounts of pages for every class period. But it is so amazing ... I feel guilty reading some

thing I love so much for class!

- God is using this season of my life to build my faith ... and it is awesome! I have prayed some silly little prayers in the past week or so, and God has been faithful in those small things. Today I prayed to hear a song on the radio, and it came on next ... and I couldn't stop s

miling all day! I get to be a part of something really big by loving Jesus, but he is concerned enough with me to give me small, sweet tokens of his love. AMAZING!

- I am going to college. Not many people get to do that ... especially without incurring debt. My parents and the Lord are the bomb!

I kind of feel like a member of the Fellowship of the Ring (I know ... I am dorky, but hang with me....) -- I am on this really rough path on a really important errand, but I have so

me sweet potion from elves that renews and enlivens me. Bam.

Hey team ... here are two good things to ponder.

(1) "Nations fall when you speak / and you have spoken over me / I am tired of giving in so easily" 

How ridiculously amazing is that? Why am I so quick to forget the power that the Lord has spoken over me? and how is it that Bethany Dillon's lyrics can always speak right to my heart?

(2) "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong".

Get it, Paul.

Matthew 6:33

I had a hard day yesterday. Actually, I am having a tough couple of weeks. Fun has fallen off my radar ... I have so much work to do, thinking about it might just give me an ulcer. So I try not to think about it. 

When I was talking to my parents last night, it hit me just how overwhelmed I feel. I literally felt like I was drowning in all the stuff I have to do. But yesterday morning, I had read a little bit in Matthew, and I had written a reminder on my arm that said "Seek first the Kingdom." That comes from Matthew 6:3, which says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." It just seemed like something useful to remember :)

And it was. I looked down at my arm last night, and remembered that when I pursue God with my whole heart, everything else that I need will be given to me. That is quite the leap of faith ... I literally don't have the time in the day to set aside for anything but school work. 

But I made that leap, took God up on his promise, and sat down and played my guitar for awhile. It's funny how, standing in the presence of God, everything else just seems unimportant. And I wrote a song. It was just what I needed. 

And Jesus helped me get up at 6 to get some work done :-)

If you think of it, keep me in your prayers. Things should slow down a little bit at the beginning of October .... I just have to survive until then :)

Haphazard Thoughts

I haven't blogged in about two weeks, so I figure I should. Turns out, I don't know that I have anything really to say. But here are some random thoughts...

- I love my bed ... and that is not an exaggeration :-) Getting into bed at night is one of my favorite parts of the day ... there is something about the fact that is is lofted and surrounded by pieces of wood to keep me from falling out that makes it feel a little bit like a nest. The most awesome nest ever. But the other night, I couldn't help but think about all the people in the world who get to the end of an exhausting day and have no bed to lay down in ... or no home at all. I am so unworthy of all the ridiculously awesome ways that God has blessed me ... I have become acutely aware of exactly how little I deserve and I am shocked that God is gracious enough to pour Himself out on me in spite of myself.
- I miss the worship we had every night in Philly. I need to start whippin' out my guitar...
- I need a whole separate income to pay for the fact that so many of my friends are getting married. I am going to (at least) 3 weddings next summer in 3 different states ... how am I supposed to pay for that? Plus wedding presents, bachelorette parties, a bridesmaids dress....shoot dang. My friends are going to make me broke ... especially because I want to be a part of all those things, because I am so excited for them!
- My roommate is a sculptress ... that makes my life incredibly lame in comparison. When I am done with my homework, I have read a book. When she is done with her homework, she has another freakin' awesome sculpture to show for it. When I graduate, I will have a transcript to show for it. When she is done, she will have a portfolio of awesome things she has formed with her bare hands. That is pretty darn cool.
- I realized that I am going to be in Thailand (or at least on the way there) for my 22nd birthday -- that makes an otherwise unexciting birthday pretty sweet.
- I peaced out on facebook for awhile ... it is all or nothing for me. And judging by the ridiculous amount of work I have to do this semester, it is going to have to be nothing.
- I read through the first 15 chapters of Acts for a class the other day, and it is an incredibly awesome book! It amazes me that all the stories I learned from Sunday school are either Old Testament or deal directly with Jesus' life. What happened to the awesomeness of God's work in the early church? People were sharing, being healed, witnessing, being martyred, experiencing joy, being convicted, expanding their boundaries, etc. My children will learn these stories too when they are little.
- Some obsessions in my life right now (most of which are food items): Babybel cheese, Odwalla Superfood smoothies, anything written by GK Chesterton (he might just be my new favorite author), debating about whether to get my lip pierced, v-neck t-shirts, wheat eggo waffles, refried beans (I know its weird, but I could eat them all day), this amazing curry chicken salad that I created the other day, and vitamin water.

Back in Waco

back to school, back to school, to prove to dad i'm not a fool ...

- adam sandler

Yesterday I had my last first day of college ... crazy, eh? I can't believe how quickly the last three years have gone, and I know that this year is going to rocket by as well. Here are some thoughts on the last week or so...

- My best friend is the bomb. Lindsay visited for close to a week ... it was great to have someone who understands me so intimately come and hang with me in the midst of refocusing for school. And she helped me decorate. And she made me laugh a lot. And she made me think a lot. And she gave me this horrible rug burn on my elbow. 

- I love how God puts people in my life exactly when I need them! My friend Matt worked for a ministry much like AIM in Houston this summer, and I have spent quite a bit of time talking to him in the last few days. It is amazing to talk with someone who understands how I feel about ministry, about Baylor and about life! And my brutal experience with transitioning last year has allowed me to offer some perspective for him as well ... it is awesome. And the most amazing part is that he is the new director for the Steppin' Out steering committe (a position I held last year) -- clearly God is rapturing students for his Kingdom and then placing them in positions of leadership. I am excited to see the Lord dream through Matt and move through Steppin' Out!

- I am pumped about my new job! I am the intern for community service, a position which has never existed before. But my boss Marianne has the most amazing dreams for ways to expand service learning at Baylor, and I get to be a part of the realization of those dreams! Get pumped!

- The Bible is awesome ... there were several times today that the Lord brought scripture to my mind, and it spoke right to my heart. Best book ever.

- When I got back to Baylor at the end of last summer, I lost stuff ALL THE TIME ... like my planner, my glasses, etc. Apparently that is a trend ... I have lost my phone twice already, an important receipt and my ipod. Lame. But it is also really sweet ... my money is an aspect of my life that doesn't reflect a commitment to the Lord, but He is calling me into financial faithfulness. He is forcing me to hold my possessions in an open hand in order to remind me that (1) they don't even really belong to me, but to Him (2) that they aren't as important as I think they are and (3) that He gives and takes away. Good lessons.

- My motto for this semester: Choose to be blessed and not stressed by circumstances. I have so much on my plate (all of it is really awesome, though), that I am choosing to surrender my attitude and allow His joy to pervade my life. 

- My classes are sweet!

• Oxford Christians --> we get to study some of the greatest Christian writers ever -- Tolkien, Lewis, Sayers, Chesterton, etc. My professor is amazing... I had him for a class my sophomore year, and I was so blessed by him! 
  
• Creative writing --> I am pretty good at cranking out an academic paper, so I am excited about a new challenge in writing and the chance to explore my creativity in a new way!
• Christian Missions --> pretty self explanatory amazingness ... plus, my professor is supposed to be great. She was the only female professor in the Religion department for a really long time, and my thesis advisor told me that I would be empowered by her. So get excited for that!
• Great Texts in Leadership --> as God calls me into more leadership, the more aware I become of how unworthy I am of any such call. I am really excited to explore a lot of classic books, and to learn more about good leadership! Plus, its always fun to hang out with the dorky great texts crowd.
• Ballet --> all those comments back in the day about how I looked like a ballerina are about to be fulfilled! Plus, John is taking it with me :)

I am excited by the ways that God is going to use me and teach me this semester! 

"Come and listen to what He has done"

Now that I am about a week removed from my summer in Philly, I feel like I have had some time to reflect on everything that happened and to bask in the blessing and working power of the Lord that I experienced. Here are some of my thoughts, though these will not even begin to describe all that God did or all that he will continue to do through my experiences.

Some of my favorite moments of the summer:
- Worshipping the with the adult team at the art museum ... we were having such a good time with the Lord that lots of other people came to join!
- When I almost set the kitchen ablaze helping Jenna cook perogies and I started an oil fire (this was only funny because we put it out in time)
- Watching one of the teams raise their hands in worship and experience the Spirit in a way they never had before
- Climbing on rooftops to watch the filming of Transformers 2
- Butchering songs in the kitchen with Sammi and Jonerik
- Connecting with an awesome little girl named Brittany at VBS and teaching her some sweet dance moves (and learning some in return)
- All the times I got to hang out with the awesome people who have devoted themselves to working in Philly
- Every moment of New Orleans
- sitting in the middle of a beautiful stream and singing my heart-song to the Lord
- Getting to spend one-on-one time with Rocky when he came to Home Depot with me
- Worshipping at the Indonesian church in south Philly ... I don’t think the smile on my face could have gotten any bigger!
- Seeing how AIM is impacting a family in our neighborhood by watching the grandpa tear up as he talked about the way his grandkids are loving Jesus
- Making ridiculous videos with Sammi
- Watching Trish handle a delicate (and ignorant) conversation with grace and authority
- Seeing the Lord transform a trashed lot into a safe and beautiful space for the community
- singing with Nick while washing dishes at the Salvation Army (we were having so much fun and blessing the staff there at the same time)
(and that's just a few...)
It was a tiring, stretching, hard summer .... but it was awesome.

So what now? The lyrics of a Hillsong song pretty much describe how I feel at this point;
"Standing here in Your presence
Thinking of the good things You have done
Waiting here patiently
Just to hear Your still small voice again"
Transitioning is really hard, but I know that God desires for me to be in Waco again for this season of my life, so I am just listening for his voice. The fact that I live 3 pretty separate lives (school, home and Philly) means that there is no one except the Lord who understands ALL of who I am. I am so thankful that the God I served this summer in Philly is at work here in Waco, and that he is ministering to my lonely heart.

I will close my thoughts on this summer with these two things:
(1) I got to spend a morning last week just sitting in Love park, watching people and gettting excited about the day when God calls me to live full time in Philly. It's looking like it will be probably 3 years before that happens, but I am just excited for the new phase of ministry that God is calling me into. I am ready to disciple students for more than a week at a time, to not have to say goodbye to the kids after 3 months and to commit myself to a more long term ministry.
(2) When a team was praying about God's will for their ministry one morning a couple weeks ago, a girl had a vision of a totally deserted Kensington Ave. She said it was God's dream for the street to look like that after he calls his children home....what a beautiful dream! That is the vision I choose to work for in Philly, knowing that God desires for all the broken to find healing in His heart.

Reflections on the Dentist

If I had to make a list of things that I hate, going to the dentist may very well be number one. There is absolutely nothing pleasant involved ... I tend to leave with a sore neck, an angry jaw, at least one numb lip and a little baggie full of stuff I don't need.
A couple weeks ago when I was in Baltimore I went to a new dentist (if I can get some applause ... it was my first trip to an adult dentist... haha), and after picking my teeth raw, I heard the dreaded word ... CAVITY. Great, I thought to myself, I have to come back and have my mouth assaulted again.
My mom drove me to the dentist today since I am rendered immobile by my lack of car here, and on the way she mentioned an interesting conversation she had with Dr. Schwartz following my last visit. He asked her how she got me to work with the poor. Wow. I had given him a description of what I was doing in Philly when I saw him the first time, and he seemed sort of taken aback. Then he told me a couple of times he had "interacted" with the poor (or seen them, rather) and then asked me some questions about statistics. My desire to serve the poor was foreign enough to him that he remembered to ask my mom about it days later.
My mom made it clear that she didn't get me to serve the poor, but that I have felt that as a call on my life. It is funny to me that God can use something as inconsequential as oral hygiene to serve as a starting point for ministry ... I know that the Lord is already using my mom to love on the receptionist, and apparently the small things I am doing for God seemed really huge to Dr. Schwartz, a Jew.
When I got home, I took my numb self upstairs and check my igoogle, which gave this as the daily Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 12:13 For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.

Coincidence? I think not. My prayer is that Dr. Schwartz drinks in the Spirit of Jesus, who was highly concerned with those most rejected by society, and that he too will find joy in serving God by serving His people.
Here is where my crazy train of thought takes control: I was thinking about all of this when I was running this afternoon, and thinking about Jews inevitably makes me think of my brilliant professor, Dr. Ellis. Thinking about Dr. Ellis made me think of a time he quoted Gandhi, who said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
My prayer is not to become a better Christian, but to let God mold me into the image of his Son. I know I have so much to learn, but I ache for my lifestyle to reflect Christ.

Psalm 13

I have heard before that being a project leader means two things ... (1) you hear from God in new and awesome and clear ways because he has anointed you for leadership and (2) you are hit hard by the enemy because you are in leadership. Last time I led a project, I experienced #1 in ways that I won't ever forget, but got very little of number 2. This week, however, I have experienced what it really means to be on the front lines. And, because he is such a tricky little devil (literally), Satan was really sneaky in the ways he attacked my spirit. It's just been a strange week for me ... everything has gone really well, but I have been in a weird zone all week. Yesterday especially was really hard, and I just felt like I was getting absolutely nothing from the Lord in response to all my pleadings for direction. Psalm 13 was really meaningful for me in that place...

"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me."

At coffeehouse last night, one of the teams did a human video to the Lifehouse song "Everything" (I will post a link to a version of it below) and, just like the first time I saw it, I was moved. Just when I felt beaten down by all the things Satan was throwing my way, Jesus reminded me that only he is capable of holding back those schemes and revealing Himself to me. Worship last night was one of the most awesome times I have spent with the Lord all summer ... my day was horrible, so circumstances were not the reason I sang his praise. I worshipped Him for who He is and for the cross ... there was so much more depth in that. I got to say in all earnest that I would rather have one miserable day that I get to spend with Jesus than a thousand good days spent with the things of this world. And, just like the girl in the video, I am being sanctified in the process.

Here's the video: http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

Side note: Sammi made me laugh when I needed it the most yesterday by quoting this Dane Cook joke. Beware of some bad language ... but it's worth it :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4nsI02gnUk

Musings from my week off

We haven't had a trip in Philly this week, so I spent last weekend camping with some of the kids from our neighborhood, and I have been chillin' in Baltimore since then. Here are some random thoughts on this week....

- Camping with the kids reminded me how patient the Lord is with me. 

Example #1: the kids earned trips on a kayak, and on Saturday we were hanging out by the lake while they took their turns. When we wanted to go back to the campsite, we promised the kids we would bring them back for their turn, but they got upset because they just didn't believe us. It's like when God promises his children good things (like provision, love, etc), but we refuse to believe he is going to follow through on those things. 

Example #2: Elizabeth and I were taking two of the kids on a hike, and they were both really excited about in the beginning. Right after we made it up the first hill, Cano (5) decided that he didn't want to hike anymore and he turned around and ran down the hill, refusing to listen to us asking him to wait. He could have been hurt running down the hill ... like Elizabeth says, we can't keep them safe if they refuse to listen. It reminded me so much of myself ... I am always excited for the adventures that God takes me on, but the second it gets hard, I am tempted to run away from the safety of His voice and the beauty of the journey.

- I absolutely love salmon ... I could eat it forever.

- I got to spend some sweet time with Jesus in his creation this weekend ... looking at the stars, singing him songs in the middle of a creek, etc. It makes me want to go camping all the time.

- free time isn't something I do very well ... it's fun for like two days, but then I get bored. And the things that I actually need to do never get done, because I have so much time to procrastinate. I function much more effectively when I have a lot on my plate.

- I got dressed up for dinner, and I had spent exactly $3.50 on my outfit ... that is why I love thrift stores.

- Someone this week asked me why I love Philly so much ... and I couldn't really come up with a good answer. The only real things I came up with are (1) God has done and is doing a mighty work in my life there and (2) I am in love with the ways that I can very clearly see God at work fighting the very present darkness. I think I love it so much because I know that is where God has called me for the present time ... when he wants me somewhere else, I trust he will give me His heart for that new place. As much as I love Philly, I hope that God gives me a passion for what He is doing in other places too. 

- Here is a quote I read from Come Away my Beloved ... "I have betrothed you to Myself and though you are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for you is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for your love and affection is deep and constant ... I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens ... Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in Me. You will experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord will become your strength; and wells of salvation will be opened within you." How sweet is that!

- I love how perfectly placed this week of rest was. I don't think I could have made it through another project without some good sleep. And, trust me, I have slept a lot!

- It was nice to wear something besides a t-shirt and gym shorts for a couple of days :-)

- It is really intense to think about the impact of the decisions that I make when I am doing ministry ... what I do can impact not only the mission experiences of the students that come to Philly, but also the potential salvation experiences of the people of Philly. As hard as that is, I really feel like I serve a purpose while I am there, though I am not always the best at it. It will be hard to go back to school where my life has less direct impact for the Kingdom ... or maybe I just need to see it differently. 

- I really wish I was a dancer ... thats what I think every time I watch "so you think you can dance"

- I went to the body worlds exhibit, with all the plasticized human bodies and I was struck by how we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. It was fascinating! 

Good thing He is gracious

This last project week was an interesting one ... there are a lot of different reasons I had a rough time, but it was the spiritual warfare that we encountered that left me bruised after this week. It was crazy ... there were like 5 people on one of the teams that got sick (all with completely different things), the bus broke down, we lost some of the team at one point, etc. For whatever reason, the enemy was working hard to wear us down.

For me personally, this was manifested on Tuesday night. After 8 straight weeks of AIM trips, I am running on absolutely no strength of my own, so the second that I try to carry my own weight, I end up failing. I had spent the day working extra hard on little things, and it all culminated at the end of the night when all I wanted was someone to recognize those things or even just to ask me how I was doing. No one did, and that was my breaking point.

I am not a crier... turns out I really hate crying ... I make a point to avoid it whenever possible. But, Tuesday night, the tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. 

The enemy was speaking lies/partial truths to me, and even though I recognized them as such, I chose to believe them anyway. It was not just one untruth, but quite a few ... some more rational than others. Every time one lie entered my mind, I could hear the Lord's response. Even when legitimate failures were brought up by the enemy, the Lord sung his graciousness over me. But instead of reacting in any way that made sense, I refused to listen. All I wanted was someone I could see to tell me what I was doing right, or even just to give me a hug. But my best friend didn't answer the phone, my parents were already off to bed, I was alone in the staff room... the Lord refused to let me walk away from my tantrum without working things out with Him. 

Looking back, and even in the moment, I felt so childish and foolish. I just wanted to wallow in my problems instead of listening to the voice of Love that was clearly ministering to my heart. I finally gave up and went to bed, and then awoke the next morning with shame in my silliness. But it was so good, because the Lord reminded me that (1) I am definitely his CHILD, and that any maturity I gain is not of myself (2) that Satan is stupid (3) letting my guard down is never an option and (4) the Lord loves me enough to wrestle with me, to speak words of love and betrothal and to pour his graciousness out on me.

Men of the Lord

So I am done getting on Facebook, because every time I do, I find out at least one more person I know has gotten engaged. Don't get me wrong ... I am really excited that the Lord has brought them to that season of their life, but it just sometimes makes me discontent with where He has me. Especially since I have just met very few men seeking the Lord with all their heart. Our society teaches men that dependency is a bad thing, and that is the essence of relationship with God. So, unfortunately, there just aren't too many men out there that are abandoned to the Kingdom. Good thing I only really need one :-)
So after talking with an adult leader from the trip this week, I have decided to make a list of things I am looking for in the man that I am going to marry. Keep in mind that this is not a static list, and that somethings are a lot more important than others. But I want this out there so that all y'all that love me can hold me accountable to these things (which are in no particular order).

I WANT...
- a man who is recklessly in love with the Lord
- a man who is aware of his strengths and uses them for the glory of God
- a man who is aware of his weaknesses and has surrendered them to the power of God
- a man who can make me laugh hard and a lot
- a man who will absolutely pursue me
- a man who aches to hear the will and ministry of the Lord, and practices listening prayer in his daily life
- a man who is committed to discipleship
- a man who believes in the gifts of the Holy Spirit
- a man who will lovingly call me out on my crap and will receptively allow me to do the same
- a man who believes that women have an equal place in ministry, and who will support me in my giftings
- a man who loves kids, and wants to have both adopted and biological children
- a man who is FULL of the Father's wisdom
- a good communicator!
- a man who will trust the Lord to be the provider for our family
- a man who loves my tattoos
- a man who is liberal with praise, compliments ands words of love
- a man who knows scripture
- a man who will hug and not let go
- a man who isn't tone deaf (bonus points if he can harmonize)
- a thinker!
- a man with an understanding of fiscal responsibility
- a man that is significantly taller than me
- a fervent, passionate worshipper
- a man who is willing to try to dance
- a man who embodies faithfulness -- to the Lord, to his callings, to his family and to me!
- a man who enjoys similar things (music, reading, naps, walks, playing, etc.)
- a man who loves me because of my quirks and not in spite of them
- a man who will lead our relationship but not control it
- a man who is committed to service (especially to the poor and oppressed)
- a man who is willing to fight hard for our relationship ... FOREVER!
- a man who is healthy and who takes care of himself
- a man who is attractive to me
- a man who will go wherever the Lord call, when He calls
- a man with self-discipline
- a man who is solid and stable (to balance my dreaming, flighty nature)
- a man I can be silly with
- a man who will establish physical and emotional boundaries from the outset of our relationship
- a man who CHERISHES me!

Whew...that's a long list. I don't feel like I deserve this kind of man yet...that is why I am glad that the Lord is going to continue to mold me into the kind of woman who does. If you have comments or suggestions for the list, let me know.
After seeing pictures of my friends' engagement rings the other day, I was thinking about how fun it will be to have one of those on my hand. But then I looked down at my left ring finger, and saw my ring that says "I am my Beloved's, my Beloved is mine" ... no promise is better than the one given by my heavenly bridegroom. So I can wait.

New Orleans

My trip to New Orleans was ridiculously awesome! I just can't even begin to explain how sweet it was ... God just gave me relief from weariness, from monotony, from VBS (haha) and from my own plans and expectations. We started the week with absolutely nothing on the schedule except for church on Sunday morning, and we just prayed every day to see where God would take us. I was pretty terrified that (1) I wouldn't be able to get out of my own head enough to hear the Lord (2) that he would ask me to do weird stuff and then not show up in those things and (3) that the team would be disappointed or frustrated.
Good thing God is bigger than my fears.God spoke clearly to each of us (in really different ways), and everytime we said 'yes' to His plans, he showed up and profoundly blessed us.
The team was awesome ... it was such a privelege to get to work alongside Randy again, and to help lead a team of willing servants. And it was just a sweet bonus that they were all really fun too. It was really fun for me to not be staff, but to be an adult leader ... I got to spend less time facilitating and more time ministering to the city and the students. I love both, but it was a nice change.
Probably my favorite story from the trip came from Saturday ... when we had driven around on Thursday getting a tour of possible minstry sites, we drove down Bourbon street and God really laid it on my heart. So after a heartbreaking encounter with a woman at tent city on Friday, God had really laid the women of New Orleans on my heart and he called me to hand out flowers on Bourbon street on Saturday. Bill, our project leader, was kind of taken aback by the idea and suggested that we really prayerfully consider it. But it turns out there were several students who felt that it what God had for them as well, so we spent the whole morning praying before we headed out in the afternoon. We bought some pretty flowers, and headed out -- it was so fun to see the looks on the faces of women who are degraded for a living when the recieved a flower! At one point, I walked into a strip club, handed a flower to the woman at the desk named Diamond and continued walking, despite a prompting to talk with her. I get this almost sick feeling when I know the Lord is asking me to do something and I ignore it, and the whole rest of our walk I felt like that. So when we got to the end of the street, I asked the team if we could go back. When I got back to her, I said "I know this is kind of wierd, but I really felt like I was supposed to come back and talk to you." She asked why I felt that way, and I told her it was God. She got this look on her face, and then said that was funny because she had been really depressed lately and named a bunch of things she needed prayer for. So as I bowed my head and started to pray for Diamond, she leaned over the counter and whispered "my name isn't Diamond ... it's Kathleen." In a world where she can trust absoulutely no one, she was willing to tell me her real name! I can't even express what a big deal that was! I got to pray over her using the name God had given her, not the one our polluted world had forced on her. It was beautiful ... moments like that remind me why I love ministry!
Sometimes I feel like God is out to spoil my fun ... but this trip was an extremely strong reminder that I am trading simple pleasures of this world for the true joys of the Spirit! It was awesome! You can see pictures and read stories from the students at http://loveforkenya.org/New_Orleans_2008.htm

Some Prayer Requests

I think the highlight of my summer may have happened this last week when I was in Butler... I was chillin' at VBS with this tiny little girl named Natalie when I started talking with her aunt, Christie. Turns out Christie, who is 28, is really cool, and we spent a few hours chatting during VBS each day last week. She has shown more sacrificial love than anyone I have ever known, and she was one of the most fascinating people I have ever talked with, because she has had so many varied experiences. To make a long story short, she decided that to abandon the native American religion of her mother and turn to Jesus as her savior! HALLELUJAH! I was so privileged to watch the Lord reap the harvest of his ministry in her life! I got to buy her a Bible and pray with her, and it was ridiculously awesome!
So prayer request #1: Pray that Christie experiences relationship with Christ in really sweet ways, and that she turns from the ways of this world. She has a powerful spirit, and so I am really excited to see how God uses her!
Prayer request #2: Me and one of the other summer staff girls are co-leading a trip this week, and it is turning out to be pretty overwhelming. We just need a double-portion of Jesus!
Prayer request #3: I am leaving on Wednesday for New Orleans, and I am so exhausted right now heading into that trip. I want to be useful for the Lord, so pray that he gives me both the desire and the energy to do his will there. He is developing perseverance in me, and I just need his hand in mine as he works that out in my life.
I am absolutely loving all the ways that God is revealing himself to me: through different places, people, things, books, etc. Thanks so much for your prayers, because I know the Lord is pouring his favor on me in response to your supplications!

Lyrics for my life

I just finished my first week as a project leader on Friday, and I am so blessed to be able to say that it was awesome! My journal had been riddled with feelings of inadequacy... feelings that culminated the minute the bus of kids arrived and I realized I had to step up. Turns out project leading is pretty straightforward... all you have to do is say "yes" to whatever the Lord asks. It certainly helped that I was blessed with (1) awesome teens who would do whatever was asked of them (whether it was me or the Lord doing the asking), (2) really awesome adults leaders who had a genuine love for their students and who also just happened to be really cool and (3) a youth pastor who knew his kids well and led them with humility and a servant's heart. I can't even begin to share all the ways that God used them, or all the ways that God stretched and used me.
So my song lyric for last week goes a little something like this...
"I hear the Savior say
thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all"
The phrase "child of weakness" describes me pretty well ... good thing that though the strong could be God's company, I'm the one he chose.

So now I am in Butler, PA. I spent my quiet time on Saturday morning next to the river, surrounded by a beautiful green landscape, which was a nice change from the concrete jungle of Philly. I am so blessed to see the ministry that God is doing here! There is a junior high group here right now, and they have been doing some of the most awesome ministry I have ever seen! They are eager to pray, bold in loving and desperate to worship.
So my song lyric for this week is...
"I see a generation rising up,
no longer accepting lies
As a band of worshippers runs to the battlefield
they're finding their lives"
Get excited for the work that God is doing in the coming generations, cuz it is awesome!

Little Birdy

*** Disclaimer -- I hate birds. a lot. I think they are nasty crap. Everyone who lives in Waco understands the plight of parking under trees in "bird season." I guess it makes it just that much cooler that God used a bird to speak to me.

So yesterday we were at coffeehouse -- for those who are unaware, that is one of our ministries where we hang out with the homeless in a empty lot, serve refreshments, and "entertain" the guests with songs and testimonies -- and Jim Snyder had found a baby bird lying on their trampoline below the birdhouse. I can't even describe how funky this little bird looked ... it was about as long as my pinky finger, it had no feathers, wouldn't open its eyes, you could see its veins through its fragile skin. It was pretty much the definition of pathetic. Jim said it was likely the momma bird kicked this little buddy out of his house because he wouldn't open his mouth to eat -- apparently mom birds can tell which babies will survive, and just choose not to waste time on ones that won't make it.

So I ended up holding this desperate little bird, who was trying so hard to move around, but his strength was totally spent. I got to thinking about his plight, and I couldn't help but identify with him. I could just picture myself as a pathetic, blind, fragile creature who refuses sometimes to be nourished by the Lord. I am so glad that God made momma birds so unlike himself ... no matter how much it appears that I am not going to make it, the Lord never gives up on his Beloved. Hallelujah.

2 weeks down...

I know I said this in my last post, but it feels like I have been here so much longer than I really have! I think its because we do like 8 different things in any given day, so each day feels like, well...8? I only have like 7 project weeks this summer, and I can't believe two of them are already over. I am so honored to be here, and I feel like I just need to bask in every moment of my time spent here, because it's memories of Philly that sustain me when regular life hits again.
At the end of every week, the project leader explains to the group that there are some people who will ask about their trip, but will only listen to about a one sentence answer. So in order to bring the most glory to God, they are given the opportunity to think through what that sentence would be in preparation for returning home. Does that make sense? So I think I am going to start including my sentences in this blog, although if you are bothering to read, you probably care enough to hear more than one sentence :)
This week: I saw Jesus transplant his servant's heart into 40 students, and then watched those students allow God to use them to passionately further His kingdom in Philly.
The groups that were here this week were ridiculously awesome ... I am was so excited to see fourteen-year-olds have more faith and boldness than most adults I know. When I was worn out from ministry, they were not. I think a large part of it came from amazing leadership ... I was so blessed by the witness and life of the youth pastors here this week. In fact, I am taking a week to go and spend doing ministry with one of them in Butler, PA because I had such an awesome time. I have a lot to learn about what true leadership looks like, and he has so much to teach. The kids got so much done this week, and in all their valiant efforts they inspired unbelievers to join in what they were doing -- people helped mow a lawn, donated sand, gave us sandwiches.... it was crazy! People saw God in these students and they wanted to join! And even more importantly than all their accomplishments, they just sat and the feet of Jesus and loved Him well. It was sweet.
Side note -- God took my heart yesterday and broke it all over again for this neighborhood. I love Philly so much, and I feel so at home here, that I had become blind to the need that brought me here in the first place. One of the youth pastors saw a man shot in the face just a couple doors down from the church where we are staying ... he came back and covered himself in bleach because he had been splattered by blood. I don't share this to give Satan any kind of stronghold, or to glorify what he was attempting to accomplish, but rather to give God glory for the ways that He so perfectly protected our lives and gave us a fervent desire to bring truth into such a broken place. It was a powerful morning, and God allowed us to respond in worship and prayer, and He gave us a place to rest in His goodness. Pray hard for Philly ... God is doing a mighty work here, and He has given us the chance to work alongside him by interceding for the people that he loves so dearly.

Back in Philly!

I can't even believe that I have been back in Philly for a week now.... I have just stepped right back into the rhythm of life here, and it feels like I never left. I arrived for training on Weds last week, and I spent the first couple of days getting to know my fellow summer staff and getting reacquainted with the city. On Friday, we went on a scavenger hunt that lasted 6 hours....it was a great time of team-building, running around and introducing the new girls to the area and to the ministries. I freakin' love the other summer staff ... I can't wait to spend a summer getting to know them, and being part of our little "family." Our first team arrived from Boston on Saturday morning, and we were thrown right into our first project. They have been a really awesome team to work with, and we have gotten to do some neat ministry in south Philly. On Sunday morning, we went to "Nations Worship Center," an Indonesian church pastored by a really neat guy named Benny. I don't think I stopped smiling once during worship -- God has blessed us so richly through working with that church! We also got a chance to visit Rock Ministries (a boxing ministry on Kensington Ave) yesterday, and everyone in my prayer group was ecstatic about the sweet ministry that they are doing! Pretty much I just love Philly a lot, and I am soaking in every minute here! I probably won't be bloggin too often (not that I do anyway...), because internet sessions are few and far between. But you can check out trip updates at adventures.org (just click on all the Philly trips for the summer) and that will give you an idea of how the participants are experiencing God. Please pray for our ministry ... we are pushing back the boundaries of darkness here by bringing light, and the enemy is going to put up a fight. Good thing we serve a victorious God! Bam!

Floridian Adventure

This morning I arrived in Baltimore to spend a couple of quick days with my family after a fabulous week in Florida. I spent the first few days in Boca Raton, where my roommate Casey and her family live, then went to Vero Beach to visit my friend Vicky for a couple of days, and then back to Boca for the end.
Some highlights:
- I saw a manatee! Actually, I saw like four. And I swam with them. And touched them. I scratched the algae off their backs, and considered the scum under my fingernails to be a trophy commemorating my adventure. It may sound ridiculous, but I have had a slight obsession with manatees for the last year or so (thanks in large part to a certain Missy Davis) ... I mean, hello... they are floating cows. How can you beat that? They have little puppy dog faces. It was awesome.
- I had some good Jesus time in the Florida sun.
- I slept. A LOT. It was a wearing semester, and it was so nice to enjoy some stress-free slumber.
- I went kayaking in the intercostal in Vero Beach ... it was absolutely amazing! Vicky and I always have the most edifying conversations...now put that in a kayak in the middle of the perfectly quiet intercostal on a beautiful Florida day. It was glorious! We laughed, created some sweet "Woman vs. Wild" videos, and talked about what it looks like to love God in a broken world, all while experiencing his creation.
- I had some impromptu worship with Vicky and her BF... good stuff.
- I put on a dress and rode a bike to eat breakfast at a local restaurant. I felt so, umm... old school? So fun!
- Matt (Vicky's BF) asked me to share what God has taught me about living water with his youth group ... this was an interesting request, since I didn't feel like I had much to say about it. But God has vehemently reminded me this year that I cannot dig my own wells and expect to find living water in them ... I can be a missionary, or go to seminary, or serve the community, but if I am doing it apart from Him, what can I hope to uncover? Springs flow from His hands, not mine -- there is some serious freedom in that! Later in the night, after sharing that with his youth group, Matt told me that I should pursue my possible youth ministry internship...that was a nice encouragement :-)
- I checked by semester grades, and got a 4.0! Take that, appendix...that's the last time you will try and bring me down. ***Disclaimer: This was not done on my own...here's a shout out to the big JC, who helped me quite a bit in this arena.
- I spent a whole day out on Casey's family's boat -- we played in the water, sunbathed, ate watermelon and drove really fast. It was the perfect, climactic end to my trip!

2 other thoughts:
(1) If I have ridiculous amounts of money in the future (something I don't see happening, but you never know), I want to buy a beautiful house on the intercostal and open the doors for missionaries to come and enjoy a free vacation. I would want to cook for them, give them access to kayaks and boats and jet skis and comfy beds....pretty much just spoil them. Because that it what the Wright's and the Fields' did for me, and it was such a unique and meaningful investment in my ministry. The fact that I am entering the summer feeling well-rested is priceless, and it will make me that much more effective for the Kingdom. Feel free to hold me to this plan when I am fabulously wealthy.
(2) Call me a dork, but I freakin' love the Narnia movies. I just saw the second one, and I think it was perfect timing as I transition into the summer. I know that life is a constant battle against the enemy, but most I feel it most poignantly in the Philly when I don the armor of God and walk out against the demons of poverty, oppression, hopelessness, addiction and sin. Watching that movie was like listening to "jock jams" before a big game ... however cheesy it may sound, it was a little bit of inspiration for the weeks ahead. Get pumped, because upcoming posts will be filled with stories of how God is advancing his Kingdom in Philly!

Moving on...

So, last night I slept with my mattress on the floor. It was crazy, because I have slept in a lofted bed for the last two years, and my friend Shawn took it down for me yesterday. This is the end of an era. For those of you who know me and my roommates, you understand how big it is for us to be splitting up next year. Granted, we are just living in different places -- I still plan on being friends with them :) But we have had so many ridiculous, hysterical, emotional, and moving moments in University Place #408. I have been so blessed to be a part of everything that God did in that apartment, and to witness the ways that he grew each of us differently. Here's to you, #408, and all the good times we shared with you.

Ethics

So I am going to confess that I am a big dork. Yesterday during my Christian Ethics class we had to fill out those teacher/course evaluation forms and I kept thinking about much I loved the class and how sad I am that it is over. Like I said....dork. I am pretty positive that it is my favorite class that I have taken at Baylor, because every single day I would leave after our 50 minutes of voting and discussion with so much to mull over and think about. The biggest theme we addressed was the Christian relationship to culture, and my professor did such a good job of making us look at the world differently than we ever had before (he is an all-star at playing devil's advocate). For those of you who talk to me on any kind of regular basis, you know that I am constantly thinking of new things I could do with the rest of my life. As of yesterday, I added getting a PhD in Ethics to that list.

Speaking of my ethics class, I am going to put this out there on the Internet so that everyone knows and everyone can hold me accountable. We watched a movie about women working in Tijuana, Mexico who assemble electronics for big corporations that have factories there. I couldn't walk away from the movie and continue to live my consumerist lifestyle in the same way. So I have decided to buy only clothing made by companies who provide their employees with safe working conditions, benefits, and a living wage (or from thrift stores). I am committing to do this for a year, but the more I research, the more I think that this will be a long term conviction. There are too many people being taken advantage of so that I can have cheap clothes...human exploitation is not worth the dollars saved. This won't include formal wear (I don't even know where you would find that), underwear, or outerwear -- but everything else I am committing to "boycott." I am quickly realizing that this is going to be harder than I first imagined (turns out most of the stores I love utilize sweatshops), but turns out sacrifice is something Jesus calls us to do. So hold me accountable.

Is it summer yet?

Shoot dang... I am pretty much the worst student ever. I am sitting at work, which is pretty much just four hours of scheduled study time. But what am I doing right now? NOT STUDYING. I am just so ready for the summer... I love all my classes, but I am just burnt out on reading for right now. As much as my trip to Philly was AMAZING, it has made being in Waco just that much harder. Don't get me wrong, I love school ... I just so happen to have found my heartbeat in Philly and I am ready to go back for a while. I just have to make it through a whole bunch of reading and writing, with a couple of finals mixed in and then I will get to go back.

So, anyway, here are some random thoughts to share:

(1) In my liberation theology class, one of my peers mentioned that she feels the need to self-edit all the time in order to be accepted by our patriarchal society. Interesting, eh? Especially because I can see little evidences of that in my own life. Example: when I was in Philly having a conversation about women in the church, it was me talking with 7 adult males. I found myself not saying a lot of things that I wanted to because I didn't want to be labeled as a femi-nazi. Even though I self-edited, I still got jokes and comments for the rest of the week. I know that they weren't meant to be hurtful, but it makes me wonder what would've been said about me had I felt free to say what I think. Maybe its not just women who feel the need to self-edit....and maybe self-editing isn't necessarily a bad thing... just some things to think about.

(2) I get to see in a manatee in for the first time in just a few short weeks! Get excited!

(3) Is it fair for families to have the power of attorney to change the wishes of a person in the even that he/she should become a "vegetable"? Me and some friends argued about this for almost an hour at lunch the other day (ya, superficiality isn't something we do well), and it became pretty heated. It seems ridiculous to me that if I have explictly expressed my wishes to be taken of life-suppot in such a scenario, my family can still legal keep me on. Maybe I am just being selfish. Thoughts?

(4) I love chocolate pudding. A lot.

(5) I really feel like God it calling me to walk out in faith for my future by NOT applying for seminary/social work schoool and NOT taking the GRE. Crazy, huh? So now the question is: what next? Here are some possibilites: move to Georgia for a couple of years and intern at a church (pretty strong possibility), be a part of a new Community Life program through AIM (though I don't know where the dollars for that would come from), maybe just move to India for a while, work for a non-profit...shoot, there are so many possibilities! Feel free to contribute to the list :)

(6) I have the best roommates in the world.

(7) God is really good at convicting me ... and sometimes I really don't like it. And I try to ignore it. And then he shoves it in my face.

(8) This is the longest post ever. If you are still reading, you must be as unproductive as me :)