Socrates once said something along the lines of "the unreflected life is not worth living." In all my philosophical wadings I have found that Socrates is pretty smart, so maybe he was on to something here. Turns out, a certain tattoo on my wrist is a good reminder that scripture calls us to meditate on God's wonderful works. So, it seems to me, that looking back at the past in order to "know thyself" and to know God more fully is a very good thing. This is one of those reasons that I wish I was good at journaling -- traversing through the past few months would be easier with a journal as a map. But I just can't seem to find the time (or the desire) to write much down.
It has been a really rough semester for me as much as I hate to admit it (Disclaimer -- rough is a relative term ... my life is pretty easy). My experience in Philly distanced me a little more from some of my friends, my exit interview became the bane of my existence, and I (as usual) had far too much on my plate. And it seems that everyone I know is getting engaged ... or is in a serious relationship. It has been a lonely semester for me ... I don't think I have ever felt so alienated -- by my experiences, by my intelligence (and, in some circles, lack thereof), by my singleness.
But it has also been really awesome ... I have been a part of some really amazing things, deeply known some really amazing people, had a lot of fun ... shoot, I got to go wedding dress shopping with my best friend! How fun is that! I have gotten a better hold on the things that bring me the most joy, and have started to learn to say "no" to those things that are not life-giving. And I am succeeding in most of my endeavors ... my GPA would rock if I had never been pre-med :)
But there are two things that I have become painfully aware of (there had to be a list at some point):
1) I had to fill out this application for my potential internship, and it was very illuminating. I am really good at filling out applications that involve the what-have-you-done kind of questions. I have accumulated a fairly substantial list of extra-curriculars, honors, impressive classes, etc. and it is easy to recount those things on paper. But only one question on the entire application was like that. All the other questions where the who-are-you kind or the what-do-you-believe kind. It was definitely a journey to fill it out -- I can't say I dwell too much on what my spiritual gifts are, or ways that I have impacted other people. But it was really good. It forced me to solidify what I believe (which involved me coming across an AMAZING essay by NT Wright called "How Can the Bible be Authoritative?" ... seriously, read it. its awesome) and also who I am. It made me very self aware ... which leads to number 2...
2) I don't particularily like who I am right now. And I can very clearly connect that to my lack of time spent with the Lord. The beginning of the semester was hard, but in my lonliness I ran to the Lord. A lot. And it was incredibly comforting ... the Lord knows best how to soothe the hurts of my hurt and urge me into more of Himself, and it did me good. But my life got busy, and I started to skip that precious time, though I missed it terrible. And then I seemed to forget about it all together. I thought I had found a group of friends who really understood me ... turns out I was wrong, and I left behind my truest friend in the process. But even more than that, I have totally fallen into the misguided notion that what I do defines who I am -- in fact, I have allowed that to be true of my life. And in order to get the 4.0 and plan the Poverty Summit and keep up with my responsibilities I walked away from time with the Lord. I am awesome at doing things for God and talking about God, but loving God is something that I have become pretty terrible at. So I have an awesome resume, but very little joy. And I hate it.
I was in a heated debate with a friend about the Bible at one point this semester, and though I couldn't rationalize exactly why I believe it to be so important, I knew in my heart that those people that I have found most life-giving are hearers and doers of the Word. Thats what I want for this coming semester. I want God to rekindle a passion for his word, both written and spoken to me.
It has been a good semester ... and even the hard things are not in vain. I know that God is developing perseverance in me ... I want a perseverant faith and a consistent communion with the Lord. Get pumped!
Oh, and here's for you, Amy -- my sister is the bomb diggity!
No comments:
Post a Comment