Good thing He is gracious

This last project week was an interesting one ... there are a lot of different reasons I had a rough time, but it was the spiritual warfare that we encountered that left me bruised after this week. It was crazy ... there were like 5 people on one of the teams that got sick (all with completely different things), the bus broke down, we lost some of the team at one point, etc. For whatever reason, the enemy was working hard to wear us down.

For me personally, this was manifested on Tuesday night. After 8 straight weeks of AIM trips, I am running on absolutely no strength of my own, so the second that I try to carry my own weight, I end up failing. I had spent the day working extra hard on little things, and it all culminated at the end of the night when all I wanted was someone to recognize those things or even just to ask me how I was doing. No one did, and that was my breaking point.

I am not a crier... turns out I really hate crying ... I make a point to avoid it whenever possible. But, Tuesday night, the tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. 

The enemy was speaking lies/partial truths to me, and even though I recognized them as such, I chose to believe them anyway. It was not just one untruth, but quite a few ... some more rational than others. Every time one lie entered my mind, I could hear the Lord's response. Even when legitimate failures were brought up by the enemy, the Lord sung his graciousness over me. But instead of reacting in any way that made sense, I refused to listen. All I wanted was someone I could see to tell me what I was doing right, or even just to give me a hug. But my best friend didn't answer the phone, my parents were already off to bed, I was alone in the staff room... the Lord refused to let me walk away from my tantrum without working things out with Him. 

Looking back, and even in the moment, I felt so childish and foolish. I just wanted to wallow in my problems instead of listening to the voice of Love that was clearly ministering to my heart. I finally gave up and went to bed, and then awoke the next morning with shame in my silliness. But it was so good, because the Lord reminded me that (1) I am definitely his CHILD, and that any maturity I gain is not of myself (2) that Satan is stupid (3) letting my guard down is never an option and (4) the Lord loves me enough to wrestle with me, to speak words of love and betrothal and to pour his graciousness out on me.