Budget

So I just created my first real budget. I am such an adult right now :)
I have never even come close to fiscal responsibility, but I am being really convicted of the ways that I spend my money. And the ways that I often spend beyond my means. So I sat down, created a table and allocated every dollar that I am going to make in the month of October. I am going to need all kinds of Holy Spirit in my life if I am going to have the fruit of self-control.

I love my life.

Sorry its been a little bit since my last blog post ... I have had a whirlwind couple of weeks! Here is a quick update:

- Turns out I have Type 1 diabetes. Lame. But God has been so good to bring people into my life that care about me and are helping me to adjust my lifestyle and all that jazz. Just keep me in your prayers as I learn about how to take care of myself.
- We have 70 students signed up for Compassion in Action! We are taking all those kids out into the neighborhood on Oct. 3rd to collect food for the Lawrenceville Co-op ... which is awesome! That is phenomenal turn out for a new event, so pray that God continues to place his favor on us as we nail down the details and the vision for all of that.
- Two weeks ago I went to Destin, FL with all the other interns and two 12Stone pastors for a weekend of learning about ministry and getting to know one another ... it was awesome! The Lord spoke a powerful word to me about His kindness and the truth that all my actions should be a response to that kindness.
- I went this past weekend to Blueridge, GA for the high school volunteer retreat and loved every minute of it! The high school ministry here has been blessed with amazing volunteers that love the Lord and love students in a powerful way! I got to: spend time getting to know them, eat a lot of phenomenal food, and lay in a hammock by a lake. I was reminded again of the importance of grounding myself in Jesus Christ alone (and not in theology or ministry or my own abilities) and I am excited to see what it will look like for Him to bring me into a fresh season of intimacy!
- I am working on forming a Compassion Leadership team, and I am pretty pumped about it. With the help of two phenomenal volunteers, I am going to create a curriculum based on principle and experience to raise up servant leaders!
- I just started my job at Barnes and Noble (praise the Lord), and I am really excited about getting to be around books and non-12Stone people (I love 12stone, but I want to know some people who don't go here).
- I live with three extremely wonderful girls. You probably already knew that, but I love it!
- I am learning what platform leadership looks like ... aka, preaching. I am teaching at our high school Bible study and preaching for the other interns as well. This is a little intimidating, but I am so excited to be challenged in ministry!
- I am being poured into from all sides ... everyone I am around is sharing wonderful truth with me!
- I joined a small group with a couple of other girls in their twenties ... and it was so great! There was a depth of discussion that wasn't forced ... the Holy Spirit just opened us up to being vulnerable with each other from the beginning. I am really excited to walk with and learn from these beautiful ladies!
- My life is the bomb. Learn from that.

Living a Dream I Won't Wake From

I love my life ... a lot. Not to say that it is easy by any means, but it is so good. I am loving my job at 12Stone, even when it involves phone calls and copies. Anson is so wonderful about affirming my dreams and allowing me to take so much ownership of the things that I am doing. It's almost a little bit scary, because he seems to think I am capable of things that I only hope that I can pull off. I am surrounded by a staff that has been so welcoming, and my learning curve is EXTREMELY steep. I am soaking up so much wisdom from everyone I am around ... including the other interns. It is awesome.
I got to see my family this weekend, and it was a reminder of all the ways that God has blessed me with a phenomenal support system. I have so many people who love, support and pray for me ... even if they are far away, I am so blessed by their influence in my life. And He continues to bring people into my life as 'family' ... the Reitsemas, the Varasos, the Dorrells, the Colloms and now the Armitages. I love it. I am a first-hand witness to the beauty of the church ... I am part of an intricate and extensive body that serves Christ in ways that never cease to amaze me.
And I am loved by the God of the universe. How can I not exude joy when I know that I am pursued by the very God who created me? I see my sin, and I see His love -- it doesn't make any sense, but my stains and my stink don't even begin to deter my Beloved. This morning on the way to work I heard one of my favorite songs, 'For My Love.' Bethany Dillon is singing presumably to the man she will marry, but it was about the Lord for me this morning. I am engaged in a dreamlike love that I will never have to wake from. That is sweet.

Keep Praying ...

Turns out moving to a new place is really hard. I am trying to figure out my job at church (which is really exciting .... like REALLY exciting) which is still largely unknown, trying to find a part-time job (which is proving to be more difficult than I originally suspected ... cursed University Scholars degree), trying to figure out what it looks like to love/befriend/teach/come alongside the three teenage girls that I live with, and trying to make friends (which is also proving hard).
I know all of those things, especially relationships, take time. and God is continuing to minister to me in wonderful ways. But I am really beginning to ache for (1) friendship ... I didn't realize how wonderful my support system has been in Colorado, Waco and Philly ... and I am craving that quality of community (2) rhythm ... my life is so sporadic, and I am finding it difficult to create discipline, to feel settled and to make commitments.
And my headaches continue to rear their ugly heads (do they have more than one? or just mine?) all the time ... I want to figure out why I'm never functioning at 100% so that I can change things and devote ALL of myself to this ministry.
Needless to say, I am at a point of frustration. BUT .... I am also just beginning to dream about what my role will look like in the high school ministry, and I can't contain my excitement. So things are hard ... but they are good.

Week #1 in Georgia!

So, turns out I live in Georgia now :)

This has been quite the week for me! I got here last Thursday, and Claire (my adoptive mom of sorts) came to pick me up. I was so nervous on my way here that I couldn't even eat much on Thursday ... which is quite out of character for me! The idea of moving in with people I had never met was incredibly overwhelming, but it has been wonderful so far! Claire and Robert have gone out of their way to make me feel at home ... I have been brought to tears more than once when I dwell on their willingness to share their home and their things with me!
So I moved all my stuff in, and spent my first couple of days here getting settled in my room and learning my way around a little bit. I got to go spend a couple of hours at the church on Saturday praying over my upcoming ministry, and it was a powerful time for me to spend with the Lord.
Sunday morning I was driving to church, and I got stuck in traffic. I thought to myself, "Why on earth would there be traffic on a Sunday morning?" Well, it was 12Stone traffic! From what I hear, there are over 8,000 people involved in 12stone ... that is crazy! It was actually kind of a rough morning for me ... watching the worship leaders stand up their with their designer jeans and fancy lights made me ache to be back at Church Under the Bridge. I went to Panera and then the mecca of shopping ... the mall of georgia. I pretty much lived the suburban dream. It was fun, but also kind of scared me ... how quick I am to forget the things that I am passionate about!
But, the Lord is awesome (as usual) and quickly reminded me of the wonderful ways that he is moving in and through 12Stone. I started my internship Monday morning, and I had a great day! I got to catch up with some pastors that I had met in Philly, and I also met about a billion new people. Everyone was so welcoming and I could see their commitments to the Lord and to ministry. I hit the ground running, because this Wednesday was Pointpalooza (a huge back-to-school, bring-your-friends carnival kind of thing). So spent some quality time helping to get things ready, call students, etc. I also went and got my GA drivers liscense and spent a lot of time filling out/turning in job applications.
Pointpalooza was really fun ... I got to catch up with some of the adult leaders I had met in Philly, which was awesome! There were so many students there ... it was crazy! I am really excited about my ministry here ... God is doing some powerful things in the lives of these students, and I am so honored that I get to be a part of that!
Some other fun parts of my week:
- hanging out with the girls I live with! Emma, Emily and Melanie are all wonderful girls! They are each so different, and I am eager to get to know them and walk alongside them in the coming years!
- going to Waters Edge, the college/young adult ministry at 12stone. Miles (the college pastor and also my internship director) spoke a powerful word and then did open baptisms ... it was so beautiful! No one could contain their joy as we watched so many people take giant leaps of faith. Loved it!
- hanging out with Sammi. enough said :)
- getting coffee with Cami, one of the other interns. God used her to speak into a lot of my frustrations and fears ... she was wonderful.
- being constantly humbled. I am very very quickly realizing that I am not as big of a deal as I think I am, that I don't know everything, and that I have sooooo much to learn!
- so many other things!

Keep me in your prayers ... I want to find just the right part-time job, and I want the Lord to close all doors except the right one! And I am looking to find some friends ... I could use His help on that too :)

Two Very Unrealted Thoughts

(1) I am not a sports fan ... I very rarely enjoy watching sports. I like sporting events, but mostly because it is time spent with friends. But I am a fan of sports fans ... I love watching people watch sports! I love that they get super intense, super angry, super happy ... I think it is fascinating. I was at the Orioles game today, and there was a Red Sox fan sitting in front of me. He was decked out in well-worn gear, with a parade of children all dressed in Sox jerseys. He sat there with his iphone, searching stats and marking in his personal score book, exuding an intensity that blessed my heart. I love watching people do the things that bring them the most joy ... even when its at a baseball game!

(2) I read this article called "Betting on Vegas" by MC Taylor for my ethics class this past semester. The article meant very little to me when I read it, largely becuase I didn't understand what he was trying to say. As I understand it, he was using Vegas as the example of where our entire culture is headed ... in Vegas, one gets an experience that mimics real life ... meaning you chase the sign of a reality instead the reality itself. Does that make sense? It didn't really make much sense to me until the last couple weeks. During my last week in Philly, Elizabeth took us all out to coffee and talked with us about what it looks like to be the bride of Christ. It was absolutely wonderful (thats a whole other story ...)! At one point she was telling us that marriage is a picture of what it looks like for us to relate to the divine -- it is a wonderful example, and incredibly sanctifying. But why would I fervently seek the image of a reality instead of the reality itself? In other words, I have been offered a perfectly loving marriage relationship with Christ, and my marriage to my husband will just be a reflection of it. It makes me feel so foolish to recognize that I have been seeking a reflection of a love that is being offered straight to me by Christ. And today I was dwelling on other ways that this way of thinking has been problematic for me ... instead of seeking love, sometimes I merely seek its expression. Silliness. Thank you Lord for using a convoluted, scholarly article to shed light on the ways you desire to teach me. I want to seek the real thing first ... and if a finite image will help me love the Lord more fully, than I hope for that someday.

Prophetic Whispers

God is so good to convict me, and to call me out of my wanderings and into Himself.
In the words of CS Lewis, I am" like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because [she] cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
The past several months have been marked by a wandering from the things that I love -- and mainly my first Love -- in exchange for things that offer temporary gratification. When God drew me to the sanctuary last week and dealt lovingly with me, I was brought to the prophets. The unfaithfulness of Israel is not unlike my own unfaithfulness, and God gives wonderful pictures of his powerful redemption.
So I decided yesterday to read through Isaiah, and God used the very first chapter to convict and call me. Verses 5-6 read, "Why do you seek further beatings? Why do you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick and the whole heart faint." I have strayed so much from the things that God has taught me be to be true that it feels like my mind is sick with untruth and my heart whittled away. I have believed that I need to act, look, dress and be a certain way in order to be loved .... I lost the security that breeds a profound and otherwise unattainable courage. I have offered many sacrifices (v. 11), but (until last week) not one of a broken and contrite heart. I have watered down the wine offered to me by Christ and run after gifts offered by other lovers. But I choose to be willing and obedient (v. 19), knowing that my scarlet sins shall become like wool (v. 18).
Interestingly enough, my disobedience has bred fear that has affected the way I relate to the poor. I have believed a lie of entitlement that justifies my selfishly spent time and resources.
I just finished reading "Jesus Wants to Save Christians" by Rob Bell (an interesting read ... ask me if you want my full thoughts on it), which brought to my attention all the ways that I have bought into a cultural empire that champions consumption and acquisition. The Lord is reminding me that he deserves the first fruits of my time, energy and money ... I have been hoarding things for myself, without realizing that they don't even belong to me. I spent a lot of the day today packing up for my move next week, and I am almost sickened by the ridiculous amount of things that I have. I don't really know what it looks like to pursue stewardship, but that is my prayer for the coming days. My total lack of stewardship is a scarlet patch that I want to be washed clean, knowing that the pursuit of God implies a turning away from material goods (holla, Tozer!).
I am not sure if there was a logical progression to that at all ... sorry! Just thoughts on where I am at.