Reflections on the Dentist

If I had to make a list of things that I hate, going to the dentist may very well be number one. There is absolutely nothing pleasant involved ... I tend to leave with a sore neck, an angry jaw, at least one numb lip and a little baggie full of stuff I don't need.
A couple weeks ago when I was in Baltimore I went to a new dentist (if I can get some applause ... it was my first trip to an adult dentist... haha), and after picking my teeth raw, I heard the dreaded word ... CAVITY. Great, I thought to myself, I have to come back and have my mouth assaulted again.
My mom drove me to the dentist today since I am rendered immobile by my lack of car here, and on the way she mentioned an interesting conversation she had with Dr. Schwartz following my last visit. He asked her how she got me to work with the poor. Wow. I had given him a description of what I was doing in Philly when I saw him the first time, and he seemed sort of taken aback. Then he told me a couple of times he had "interacted" with the poor (or seen them, rather) and then asked me some questions about statistics. My desire to serve the poor was foreign enough to him that he remembered to ask my mom about it days later.
My mom made it clear that she didn't get me to serve the poor, but that I have felt that as a call on my life. It is funny to me that God can use something as inconsequential as oral hygiene to serve as a starting point for ministry ... I know that the Lord is already using my mom to love on the receptionist, and apparently the small things I am doing for God seemed really huge to Dr. Schwartz, a Jew.
When I got home, I took my numb self upstairs and check my igoogle, which gave this as the daily Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 12:13 For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.

Coincidence? I think not. My prayer is that Dr. Schwartz drinks in the Spirit of Jesus, who was highly concerned with those most rejected by society, and that he too will find joy in serving God by serving His people.
Here is where my crazy train of thought takes control: I was thinking about all of this when I was running this afternoon, and thinking about Jews inevitably makes me think of my brilliant professor, Dr. Ellis. Thinking about Dr. Ellis made me think of a time he quoted Gandhi, who said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
My prayer is not to become a better Christian, but to let God mold me into the image of his Son. I know I have so much to learn, but I ache for my lifestyle to reflect Christ.

Psalm 13

I have heard before that being a project leader means two things ... (1) you hear from God in new and awesome and clear ways because he has anointed you for leadership and (2) you are hit hard by the enemy because you are in leadership. Last time I led a project, I experienced #1 in ways that I won't ever forget, but got very little of number 2. This week, however, I have experienced what it really means to be on the front lines. And, because he is such a tricky little devil (literally), Satan was really sneaky in the ways he attacked my spirit. It's just been a strange week for me ... everything has gone really well, but I have been in a weird zone all week. Yesterday especially was really hard, and I just felt like I was getting absolutely nothing from the Lord in response to all my pleadings for direction. Psalm 13 was really meaningful for me in that place...

"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me."

At coffeehouse last night, one of the teams did a human video to the Lifehouse song "Everything" (I will post a link to a version of it below) and, just like the first time I saw it, I was moved. Just when I felt beaten down by all the things Satan was throwing my way, Jesus reminded me that only he is capable of holding back those schemes and revealing Himself to me. Worship last night was one of the most awesome times I have spent with the Lord all summer ... my day was horrible, so circumstances were not the reason I sang his praise. I worshipped Him for who He is and for the cross ... there was so much more depth in that. I got to say in all earnest that I would rather have one miserable day that I get to spend with Jesus than a thousand good days spent with the things of this world. And, just like the girl in the video, I am being sanctified in the process.

Here's the video: http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

Side note: Sammi made me laugh when I needed it the most yesterday by quoting this Dane Cook joke. Beware of some bad language ... but it's worth it :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4nsI02gnUk

Musings from my week off

We haven't had a trip in Philly this week, so I spent last weekend camping with some of the kids from our neighborhood, and I have been chillin' in Baltimore since then. Here are some random thoughts on this week....

- Camping with the kids reminded me how patient the Lord is with me. 

Example #1: the kids earned trips on a kayak, and on Saturday we were hanging out by the lake while they took their turns. When we wanted to go back to the campsite, we promised the kids we would bring them back for their turn, but they got upset because they just didn't believe us. It's like when God promises his children good things (like provision, love, etc), but we refuse to believe he is going to follow through on those things. 

Example #2: Elizabeth and I were taking two of the kids on a hike, and they were both really excited about in the beginning. Right after we made it up the first hill, Cano (5) decided that he didn't want to hike anymore and he turned around and ran down the hill, refusing to listen to us asking him to wait. He could have been hurt running down the hill ... like Elizabeth says, we can't keep them safe if they refuse to listen. It reminded me so much of myself ... I am always excited for the adventures that God takes me on, but the second it gets hard, I am tempted to run away from the safety of His voice and the beauty of the journey.

- I absolutely love salmon ... I could eat it forever.

- I got to spend some sweet time with Jesus in his creation this weekend ... looking at the stars, singing him songs in the middle of a creek, etc. It makes me want to go camping all the time.

- free time isn't something I do very well ... it's fun for like two days, but then I get bored. And the things that I actually need to do never get done, because I have so much time to procrastinate. I function much more effectively when I have a lot on my plate.

- I got dressed up for dinner, and I had spent exactly $3.50 on my outfit ... that is why I love thrift stores.

- Someone this week asked me why I love Philly so much ... and I couldn't really come up with a good answer. The only real things I came up with are (1) God has done and is doing a mighty work in my life there and (2) I am in love with the ways that I can very clearly see God at work fighting the very present darkness. I think I love it so much because I know that is where God has called me for the present time ... when he wants me somewhere else, I trust he will give me His heart for that new place. As much as I love Philly, I hope that God gives me a passion for what He is doing in other places too. 

- Here is a quote I read from Come Away my Beloved ... "I have betrothed you to Myself and though you are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for you is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for your love and affection is deep and constant ... I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens ... Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in Me. You will experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord will become your strength; and wells of salvation will be opened within you." How sweet is that!

- I love how perfectly placed this week of rest was. I don't think I could have made it through another project without some good sleep. And, trust me, I have slept a lot!

- It was nice to wear something besides a t-shirt and gym shorts for a couple of days :-)

- It is really intense to think about the impact of the decisions that I make when I am doing ministry ... what I do can impact not only the mission experiences of the students that come to Philly, but also the potential salvation experiences of the people of Philly. As hard as that is, I really feel like I serve a purpose while I am there, though I am not always the best at it. It will be hard to go back to school where my life has less direct impact for the Kingdom ... or maybe I just need to see it differently. 

- I really wish I was a dancer ... thats what I think every time I watch "so you think you can dance"

- I went to the body worlds exhibit, with all the plasticized human bodies and I was struck by how we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. It was fascinating! 

Good thing He is gracious

This last project week was an interesting one ... there are a lot of different reasons I had a rough time, but it was the spiritual warfare that we encountered that left me bruised after this week. It was crazy ... there were like 5 people on one of the teams that got sick (all with completely different things), the bus broke down, we lost some of the team at one point, etc. For whatever reason, the enemy was working hard to wear us down.

For me personally, this was manifested on Tuesday night. After 8 straight weeks of AIM trips, I am running on absolutely no strength of my own, so the second that I try to carry my own weight, I end up failing. I had spent the day working extra hard on little things, and it all culminated at the end of the night when all I wanted was someone to recognize those things or even just to ask me how I was doing. No one did, and that was my breaking point.

I am not a crier... turns out I really hate crying ... I make a point to avoid it whenever possible. But, Tuesday night, the tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. 

The enemy was speaking lies/partial truths to me, and even though I recognized them as such, I chose to believe them anyway. It was not just one untruth, but quite a few ... some more rational than others. Every time one lie entered my mind, I could hear the Lord's response. Even when legitimate failures were brought up by the enemy, the Lord sung his graciousness over me. But instead of reacting in any way that made sense, I refused to listen. All I wanted was someone I could see to tell me what I was doing right, or even just to give me a hug. But my best friend didn't answer the phone, my parents were already off to bed, I was alone in the staff room... the Lord refused to let me walk away from my tantrum without working things out with Him. 

Looking back, and even in the moment, I felt so childish and foolish. I just wanted to wallow in my problems instead of listening to the voice of Love that was clearly ministering to my heart. I finally gave up and went to bed, and then awoke the next morning with shame in my silliness. But it was so good, because the Lord reminded me that (1) I am definitely his CHILD, and that any maturity I gain is not of myself (2) that Satan is stupid (3) letting my guard down is never an option and (4) the Lord loves me enough to wrestle with me, to speak words of love and betrothal and to pour his graciousness out on me.

Men of the Lord

So I am done getting on Facebook, because every time I do, I find out at least one more person I know has gotten engaged. Don't get me wrong ... I am really excited that the Lord has brought them to that season of their life, but it just sometimes makes me discontent with where He has me. Especially since I have just met very few men seeking the Lord with all their heart. Our society teaches men that dependency is a bad thing, and that is the essence of relationship with God. So, unfortunately, there just aren't too many men out there that are abandoned to the Kingdom. Good thing I only really need one :-)
So after talking with an adult leader from the trip this week, I have decided to make a list of things I am looking for in the man that I am going to marry. Keep in mind that this is not a static list, and that somethings are a lot more important than others. But I want this out there so that all y'all that love me can hold me accountable to these things (which are in no particular order).

I WANT...
- a man who is recklessly in love with the Lord
- a man who is aware of his strengths and uses them for the glory of God
- a man who is aware of his weaknesses and has surrendered them to the power of God
- a man who can make me laugh hard and a lot
- a man who will absolutely pursue me
- a man who aches to hear the will and ministry of the Lord, and practices listening prayer in his daily life
- a man who is committed to discipleship
- a man who believes in the gifts of the Holy Spirit
- a man who will lovingly call me out on my crap and will receptively allow me to do the same
- a man who believes that women have an equal place in ministry, and who will support me in my giftings
- a man who loves kids, and wants to have both adopted and biological children
- a man who is FULL of the Father's wisdom
- a good communicator!
- a man who will trust the Lord to be the provider for our family
- a man who loves my tattoos
- a man who is liberal with praise, compliments ands words of love
- a man who knows scripture
- a man who will hug and not let go
- a man who isn't tone deaf (bonus points if he can harmonize)
- a thinker!
- a man with an understanding of fiscal responsibility
- a man that is significantly taller than me
- a fervent, passionate worshipper
- a man who is willing to try to dance
- a man who embodies faithfulness -- to the Lord, to his callings, to his family and to me!
- a man who enjoys similar things (music, reading, naps, walks, playing, etc.)
- a man who loves me because of my quirks and not in spite of them
- a man who will lead our relationship but not control it
- a man who is committed to service (especially to the poor and oppressed)
- a man who is willing to fight hard for our relationship ... FOREVER!
- a man who is healthy and who takes care of himself
- a man who is attractive to me
- a man who will go wherever the Lord call, when He calls
- a man with self-discipline
- a man who is solid and stable (to balance my dreaming, flighty nature)
- a man I can be silly with
- a man who will establish physical and emotional boundaries from the outset of our relationship
- a man who CHERISHES me!

Whew...that's a long list. I don't feel like I deserve this kind of man yet...that is why I am glad that the Lord is going to continue to mold me into the kind of woman who does. If you have comments or suggestions for the list, let me know.
After seeing pictures of my friends' engagement rings the other day, I was thinking about how fun it will be to have one of those on my hand. But then I looked down at my left ring finger, and saw my ring that says "I am my Beloved's, my Beloved is mine" ... no promise is better than the one given by my heavenly bridegroom. So I can wait.

New Orleans

My trip to New Orleans was ridiculously awesome! I just can't even begin to explain how sweet it was ... God just gave me relief from weariness, from monotony, from VBS (haha) and from my own plans and expectations. We started the week with absolutely nothing on the schedule except for church on Sunday morning, and we just prayed every day to see where God would take us. I was pretty terrified that (1) I wouldn't be able to get out of my own head enough to hear the Lord (2) that he would ask me to do weird stuff and then not show up in those things and (3) that the team would be disappointed or frustrated.
Good thing God is bigger than my fears.God spoke clearly to each of us (in really different ways), and everytime we said 'yes' to His plans, he showed up and profoundly blessed us.
The team was awesome ... it was such a privelege to get to work alongside Randy again, and to help lead a team of willing servants. And it was just a sweet bonus that they were all really fun too. It was really fun for me to not be staff, but to be an adult leader ... I got to spend less time facilitating and more time ministering to the city and the students. I love both, but it was a nice change.
Probably my favorite story from the trip came from Saturday ... when we had driven around on Thursday getting a tour of possible minstry sites, we drove down Bourbon street and God really laid it on my heart. So after a heartbreaking encounter with a woman at tent city on Friday, God had really laid the women of New Orleans on my heart and he called me to hand out flowers on Bourbon street on Saturday. Bill, our project leader, was kind of taken aback by the idea and suggested that we really prayerfully consider it. But it turns out there were several students who felt that it what God had for them as well, so we spent the whole morning praying before we headed out in the afternoon. We bought some pretty flowers, and headed out -- it was so fun to see the looks on the faces of women who are degraded for a living when the recieved a flower! At one point, I walked into a strip club, handed a flower to the woman at the desk named Diamond and continued walking, despite a prompting to talk with her. I get this almost sick feeling when I know the Lord is asking me to do something and I ignore it, and the whole rest of our walk I felt like that. So when we got to the end of the street, I asked the team if we could go back. When I got back to her, I said "I know this is kind of wierd, but I really felt like I was supposed to come back and talk to you." She asked why I felt that way, and I told her it was God. She got this look on her face, and then said that was funny because she had been really depressed lately and named a bunch of things she needed prayer for. So as I bowed my head and started to pray for Diamond, she leaned over the counter and whispered "my name isn't Diamond ... it's Kathleen." In a world where she can trust absoulutely no one, she was willing to tell me her real name! I can't even express what a big deal that was! I got to pray over her using the name God had given her, not the one our polluted world had forced on her. It was beautiful ... moments like that remind me why I love ministry!
Sometimes I feel like God is out to spoil my fun ... but this trip was an extremely strong reminder that I am trading simple pleasures of this world for the true joys of the Spirit! It was awesome! You can see pictures and read stories from the students at http://loveforkenya.org/New_Orleans_2008.htm

Some Prayer Requests

I think the highlight of my summer may have happened this last week when I was in Butler... I was chillin' at VBS with this tiny little girl named Natalie when I started talking with her aunt, Christie. Turns out Christie, who is 28, is really cool, and we spent a few hours chatting during VBS each day last week. She has shown more sacrificial love than anyone I have ever known, and she was one of the most fascinating people I have ever talked with, because she has had so many varied experiences. To make a long story short, she decided that to abandon the native American religion of her mother and turn to Jesus as her savior! HALLELUJAH! I was so privileged to watch the Lord reap the harvest of his ministry in her life! I got to buy her a Bible and pray with her, and it was ridiculously awesome!
So prayer request #1: Pray that Christie experiences relationship with Christ in really sweet ways, and that she turns from the ways of this world. She has a powerful spirit, and so I am really excited to see how God uses her!
Prayer request #2: Me and one of the other summer staff girls are co-leading a trip this week, and it is turning out to be pretty overwhelming. We just need a double-portion of Jesus!
Prayer request #3: I am leaving on Wednesday for New Orleans, and I am so exhausted right now heading into that trip. I want to be useful for the Lord, so pray that he gives me both the desire and the energy to do his will there. He is developing perseverance in me, and I just need his hand in mine as he works that out in my life.
I am absolutely loving all the ways that God is revealing himself to me: through different places, people, things, books, etc. Thanks so much for your prayers, because I know the Lord is pouring his favor on me in response to your supplications!