New Filter

I find myself again apologizing for a total lack of blog activity ... apparently this will be a trend in my life.
But this most recent lapse in content has a reason ... I am pregnant. No, it isn't morning sickness or complete exhaustion that have kept me from my blog (though those maladies have definitely plagued my life in the last few months), nor the myriad of doctors appointments that have commandeered my schedule (endocrinologist + perinatologist + midwife = a whole lot of time). Honestly, I haven't wanted the whole world to know about "tiny cash" (as I affectionately call 'it'), but I have had a hard time being reflective about much else. As soon as I found out about our little baby, it was like I put on "mom" glasses and started seeing the world in an entirely different way. As much as I want to focus on other things in my life, I find myself distracted by thoughts of strollers, nursery decorations, ultrasounds, etc. I am THAT girl, but I can't help it. Somehow all my mental energy gets devoted to the health and future of this tiny life inside me, and I just couldn't say anything on this blog without first telling you all about tiny cash.

Because I know you are curious, here are some FAQ's about the Cash pregnancy:

Q: Was this planned? Were you trying?
A: Short answer -- no. Long answer -- NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO. Not at all. But I am honestly not all that surprised ... Jesus has this way of giving me exactly what I think I don't want. And the fact that I was soooo NOT ready for a baby is exactly why I knew we would end up with one.

Q: How does your diabetes affect the pregnancy?
A: It certainly makes everything more complicated. Because of the betes, my pregnancy is considered high-risk, so I have to see a maternal-fetal specialist (the perinatologist) in addition to my midwife. And my endocrinologist (my diabetes doc) is watching me SUPER closely and I have to be militant about my blood sugars. But with great control and lots of prayer, hopefully tiny cash will be born perfectly normal.

Q: When did you find out? How far along are you?
A: We found out on Christmas Eve. I asked Josh to pick up a pregnancy test because I cried while we watched "Christmas Vacation" -- my oh-so-emotional response to a movie like that made me feel like I was either crazy or pregnant. Turns out it was the latter. So I am 13 weeks right now (TC is the size of a peach, for those who care), my due date is Aug.28, and I am a currently wearing pants from bigger-Emily days.

Q: How do you feel about it? Are you excited?
A: Josh was excited from Day 1 ... he is thrilled at the prospect of being a father (he will be phenomenal), he loves my growing belly, and has dutifully cleaned up my puke and made several grocery-store runs at my whim. I, on the other hand, spent the first several weeks crying ... a lot. Granted, I am hormonal lady right now, so it really didn't take much to make me cry. But there was some real reflecting to do about who I thought I was, what we were planning to do, and how my whole life was changing (not to mention the added stress of potential harm from my diabetes). But God's kindness to me has been overwhelming -- he has given me an all-star support team here, and he has shown me so much about who He is and who I am.

More on this in the future!

"Sometimes the most disciplined thing you can do is go back to bed" -- Emily Cash

Yep, that's right. I quoted myself.
That is what I said, in my mind, as I got back into bed for the 2nd time this morning. I didn't go to either of my jobs today, and it has been far too long.
The past two nights have included retail dreams, and last night I was up at 3 am making lists of things I needed to do today. Clearly, this sista needed a day off.

And I decided to flip-off my to-do list. I woke up late, needlessly internet window-shopped, read some blogs, and then decided to eat some breakfast.
Josh will probably tense up just hearing that I took my toast to bed with me (crumbs = death), where I finally started reading "Notes From a Small Island," by Bill Bryson. Too long has that book sat untouched, and it was fun to revel in the charms of Britian (tea, rain, cranky old ladies, big knit sweaters, etc). Josh and I have toyed with the idea of living abroad someday, and both of us can picture a life in England -- all the more reason I enjoyed my vicarious romp through England this morning.

I went for a run, got a haircut and went to the chiropractor.
Thank you Jesus for some time to breathe!

And off to my bed for naptime...

O Holy Night

Though I have quite the fondness for academia, and I often find myself missing the classroom, there are some parts of being a student I do NOT miss. I have seen quite a few students come into Barnes and Noble bearing an armful of textbooks and slumping upstairs to the cafe for a long study session. I do not miss having award-winning bags under my eyes, nor do I miss having to go on a post-finals caffeine detox, nor do I miss the experience of shoving my brain full of information for hours at a time.
And I realized that (even though I am working WAY too much right now), being finals-free allows me much more mental space to dwell on the advent season. One of my favorite Christmas songs (which is technically an advent song), "O Come O Come Emmanuel" has been like a background track in my mind for the last couple weeks. I love that it is somber and monastic, yet expectant and jubilant. It reminds me to again seek and expect "God with Us" -- to desire His immanent presence and believe fully that it is given.
I have a friend who excuses his lack of holiday cheer by saying, "I celebrate the Incarnation year-round." I will be quick to acknowledge how right it is to celebrate the coming of Jesus in daily life, but an ingrained thankfulness for the gift of Jesus seems all the more reason to love this particular season. It deserves special, marked attention. Though I celebrate my marriage every day, I know that anniversaries will bring reflection and intentional communion.
I was driving to work the other day when I heard "O Holy Night" on the radio. If for no other reason, get excited about Christmas because theologically rich lyrics pervade the radio! I am always moved by that song, and I was in tears when I got to work. Here is just the first verse:

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

My favorite part? "For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn" ... Heck ya! Thank you, Jesus, for the inbreaking power of your love, for salvific power of your sacrifice, and the restorative power of your humility.
I hope that in these last few days before Christmas, you too get a chance to really engage the advent season and prepare your heart for the exuberance of Christ given to us! One last thought for you from Phillipians:

"[Jesus],who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

Side note:
I have the best husband ever. I was having a terrible day on Friday, and couldn't shake my frustration and sadness that night. Josh asked, "Is there anything I can do to fix it?" My reply? "I want to break something." He responded with an "Ok" that seemed laced with my-wife-is-crazy undertones, and he left the room. Minutes later, he told me to come out to the living room. He had brought out all the little wooden boxes from our wedding centerpieces, laid them on the floor, and then procured a hammer. Mass destruction followed, until there was wood all over the apartment and we were both sitting on the floor laughing. I love him ... and I promise I am mentally stable.

You're Going Down, Diabetes!

So I had this weird, creepy, morbid dream last week. When I first woke up, the details were vivid and fresh, but now most of the dream is just a shadow. All I really remember is that I was pregnant with our first baby, and I was killing her with my diabetes. Needless to say, I woke up pretty shaken and have spent a good amount of time being haunted by that dream. I have always believed that bad dreams do not come from Jesus ... for example: when I was little, I had a recurring dream where a wrinkled, ET-like creature lived in our basement and told me lies. That is clearly not of God. But when I woke from this dream last week, I couldn't shake the notion that the Lord was trying to tell me something. This was not the first time He has convicted me of the way that I handle my diabetes, but somehow the realization that I could forever mar my own child made His message much more poignant.
So I made an appointment with my endocrinologist, and saw her two days ago. She was disappointed and frustrated with my out-of-control blood sugars, and my sky-high A1C test (for those of you who understand, it was 9.9 -- I know ... terrible). Though she expresses similar sentiments every time, I don't really change. But when she found out I was married, she said earnestly, "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT get pregnant!"
Apparently, high blood sugars can cause problems with the baby's heart, spine and other organs not forming well in the early weeks of pregnancy. Too much sugar from the mother causes the baby to grow too large, causing the baby’s lungs to develop more slowly, risk of early delivery, risk for injury during birth, and low blood sugar in the baby at birth. And it creates risk of stillbirth. Oh my goodness.
Just to clarify, I am not pregnant. And we are not planning on getting pregnant. But what if I did? What is my sweet first baby is stillborn because I was flippant and irresponsible? NO WAY.

So the bad blood sugars end here. And I need all the support, encouragement and accountability I can get.
Here is the plan.
1. Stop living in denial and actually take care of my diabetes. No excuses. This means actually taking my long-acting insulin, checking my blood-sugar obsessively and not pretending that little snacks don't require insulin.
2. Avoid unnecessary, simple sugars.
3. Start exercising.

I have made these kind of promises to myself before, but there is some maternal gumption involved this time. For you, unborn-fetus-child, I shall conquer this stupid disease!
So this morning I went for a run/walk. After about 5 minutes, I was already thinking about heading home ... my legs felt like lead. Maybe it was the biting cold, or the fact that I was up at 2am with a low blood sugar eating donuts, or maybe it was just my fear of failure. And that's when a favorite worship song started playing on my iPod.

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

All the evidence suggests that I can't muster self-discipline and start excelling at my diabetic care. But, turns out, I know that God desires change and he will leverage his expansive power on my behalf. So watch out, diabetes.

Side note: I started reading "Street of Crocodiles," which I mentioned in an earlier post, and I cannot stop mulling over something from the introduction. When speaking of a favorite book, Schulz said, "The existence of this book is a pledge that the tangled, mute masses of things unformulated within us may yet emerge to the surface miraculously distilled." How true is that of scripture? The Bible doesn't itself create perfect clarity, but promises that miraculous distillation. Awesome. This makes me wish I could teach a class on reading the Bible through the eyes of chemistry.

Thanksgivin' Days

Anyone who has known me for any length of time has heard me boast of my Native American heritage -- though a small fraction of the blood flowing through my veins (like 1/64th), I claim it proudly. So of course, Josh has heard of this.
Thanksgiving morning, when I was focused on Christmas long-johns and finding a tree for our little home, Josh refused to let me ignore the holiday at hand. I woke him up to tell him that I am thankful for him, and then he decided that we should be pilgrims and Indians for the day. That didn't actually really happen, but he let me be Pocahontas even though she was not present at Plymouth rock. That is true love.
And yesterday, while we were driving, Josh gave himself an Indian name. Due to the curse word present in the aforementioned name, it shall remain unknown to you. But when I asked him what my Indian name should be, he said "Princess." Again with the love.

But in all seriousness, we had a wonderful holiday. I am especially thankful for family this year, and all the new people that word encompasses. Having two families to love and support you is doublely awesome. We were sad to miss seeing both of them this year, since we were stuck in town because of my retail job. But we were so graciously adopted by a dear friend from church, and we got to eat wonderful homecooked food, watch football, talk about ministry, and just generally enjoy the present company. It was truly a blessing.

And last night, we had a bunch of friends over to celebrate the beginning of the Christmas season with baked gloriousness, spirits, games and some spontaneous dance partying. In preparation, Josh and I finally finished setting up our apartment ... and everyone loved it. It was so nice to settle in last night with all appliance boxes gone and everything in its place. It really feels like OUR little home.

One last little conversational treat for you from this morning:
Emily: "Would you still love me if I smiled like this (insert ugliest face of all time)?"
Josh: "Yes, I would still love you. If your face looked like a tennis racket, I would love you. If your feet were marshmallows, I would eat them. And I would love you."

Christmas Movies

Josh and I were cleaning out our movies today, and I came across some of my favorite Christmas movies ... The Holiday, Elf, and Christmas Vacation. But as soon as I beheld the VHS case housing my favorite Christmas movie, I pretty much freaked out with excitement. And I started singing the following song, while Josh just kind of ignored my ridiculousness.



That's right, people. My favorite Christmas movie is Muppet Christmas Carol. And I cannot wait to decorate our first family Christmas tree with Joshamo, watch this movie, and drink hot chocolate. Love this season!

In other news, here is a short verbal exchange the hubs and I had yesterday:
Me: "You are the best husband in the land!"
Josh: "You are the best wife in the land ... and the sea."
My mathematical interpretation? Emily > a mermaid wife. Holla!

Which makes me want to show you this (Josh sings this song more than anyone could possibly comprehend):

Reset

God has this wonderful way of resetting my perspective. As you may have noticed, I currently have a little blog obsession -- I am not only writing more on my own, but also investigating a myriad of other people's blogs.
Yesterday, I was reading one such blog, written by a one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. And she was decked out in beautiful, interesting clothes. I started to have a little pity party about how I will never be able to shop at Anthropologie (but really ... who can?) and got frustrated enough to navigate away from the page. At the time, it seemed totally rational ... what woman doesn't wish she had more money for clothes and shoes?

And then I went to church in the morning.

12Stone is adopting the unemployed in our area by committing to feed 5,000 families for Christmas. That is around 20,000 people. Awesome. We watched a video of some families in our congregation who are struggling with unemployment, and I was astounded by their trust in God despite seemingly dire situations. And then God said to me, "Hey, remember that time that you were petty and selfish? Ya ... me too." Instantly reset. Thus Josh and I had a conversation last night about how we can use our 5 loaves and 2 fish to be a part of the generosity of Christ this season.

I was at work this week, and there was a woman sitting in the middle of the "Careers" aisle at Barnes and Noble, books strewn around her, voraciously writing on a notepad of hers. I asked her "Are you finding everything ok?," she said yes, and then muttered something under her breath as I walked away. I walked back, and asked her what she said, and she replied, "Everything except a job." I haven't really stopped thinking about our very short interaction -- you have to be pretty desperate to admit that you're floundering to a random stranger. I ache for her, and pray God's provision for her and her family. And I would love it if he would use me!

What has God given you (however small) that you can leverage for Him?
How do you need to be reset?

I came across this quote in my favorite book of all time, Orthodoxy. Chesterton writes, “To modern man the heavens are actually below the earth. The explanation is simple: he is standing on his head; which is a very weak pedestal to stand on. But when he has found his feet again he knows it. Christianity satisfies suddenly and perfectly a man’s ancestral instinct for being the right way up; satisfies it supremely in this; that by its creed, joy becomes something gigantic and sadness something small and special.”

Stop standing on your head, allow God to rightsize you, and watch as joy becomes gigantic in your life!