Back in Waco

back to school, back to school, to prove to dad i'm not a fool ...

- adam sandler

Yesterday I had my last first day of college ... crazy, eh? I can't believe how quickly the last three years have gone, and I know that this year is going to rocket by as well. Here are some thoughts on the last week or so...

- My best friend is the bomb. Lindsay visited for close to a week ... it was great to have someone who understands me so intimately come and hang with me in the midst of refocusing for school. And she helped me decorate. And she made me laugh a lot. And she made me think a lot. And she gave me this horrible rug burn on my elbow. 

- I love how God puts people in my life exactly when I need them! My friend Matt worked for a ministry much like AIM in Houston this summer, and I have spent quite a bit of time talking to him in the last few days. It is amazing to talk with someone who understands how I feel about ministry, about Baylor and about life! And my brutal experience with transitioning last year has allowed me to offer some perspective for him as well ... it is awesome. And the most amazing part is that he is the new director for the Steppin' Out steering committe (a position I held last year) -- clearly God is rapturing students for his Kingdom and then placing them in positions of leadership. I am excited to see the Lord dream through Matt and move through Steppin' Out!

- I am pumped about my new job! I am the intern for community service, a position which has never existed before. But my boss Marianne has the most amazing dreams for ways to expand service learning at Baylor, and I get to be a part of the realization of those dreams! Get pumped!

- The Bible is awesome ... there were several times today that the Lord brought scripture to my mind, and it spoke right to my heart. Best book ever.

- When I got back to Baylor at the end of last summer, I lost stuff ALL THE TIME ... like my planner, my glasses, etc. Apparently that is a trend ... I have lost my phone twice already, an important receipt and my ipod. Lame. But it is also really sweet ... my money is an aspect of my life that doesn't reflect a commitment to the Lord, but He is calling me into financial faithfulness. He is forcing me to hold my possessions in an open hand in order to remind me that (1) they don't even really belong to me, but to Him (2) that they aren't as important as I think they are and (3) that He gives and takes away. Good lessons.

- My motto for this semester: Choose to be blessed and not stressed by circumstances. I have so much on my plate (all of it is really awesome, though), that I am choosing to surrender my attitude and allow His joy to pervade my life. 

- My classes are sweet!

• Oxford Christians --> we get to study some of the greatest Christian writers ever -- Tolkien, Lewis, Sayers, Chesterton, etc. My professor is amazing... I had him for a class my sophomore year, and I was so blessed by him! 
  
• Creative writing --> I am pretty good at cranking out an academic paper, so I am excited about a new challenge in writing and the chance to explore my creativity in a new way!
• Christian Missions --> pretty self explanatory amazingness ... plus, my professor is supposed to be great. She was the only female professor in the Religion department for a really long time, and my thesis advisor told me that I would be empowered by her. So get excited for that!
• Great Texts in Leadership --> as God calls me into more leadership, the more aware I become of how unworthy I am of any such call. I am really excited to explore a lot of classic books, and to learn more about good leadership! Plus, its always fun to hang out with the dorky great texts crowd.
• Ballet --> all those comments back in the day about how I looked like a ballerina are about to be fulfilled! Plus, John is taking it with me :)

I am excited by the ways that God is going to use me and teach me this semester! 

"Come and listen to what He has done"

Now that I am about a week removed from my summer in Philly, I feel like I have had some time to reflect on everything that happened and to bask in the blessing and working power of the Lord that I experienced. Here are some of my thoughts, though these will not even begin to describe all that God did or all that he will continue to do through my experiences.

Some of my favorite moments of the summer:
- Worshipping the with the adult team at the art museum ... we were having such a good time with the Lord that lots of other people came to join!
- When I almost set the kitchen ablaze helping Jenna cook perogies and I started an oil fire (this was only funny because we put it out in time)
- Watching one of the teams raise their hands in worship and experience the Spirit in a way they never had before
- Climbing on rooftops to watch the filming of Transformers 2
- Butchering songs in the kitchen with Sammi and Jonerik
- Connecting with an awesome little girl named Brittany at VBS and teaching her some sweet dance moves (and learning some in return)
- All the times I got to hang out with the awesome people who have devoted themselves to working in Philly
- Every moment of New Orleans
- sitting in the middle of a beautiful stream and singing my heart-song to the Lord
- Getting to spend one-on-one time with Rocky when he came to Home Depot with me
- Worshipping at the Indonesian church in south Philly ... I don’t think the smile on my face could have gotten any bigger!
- Seeing how AIM is impacting a family in our neighborhood by watching the grandpa tear up as he talked about the way his grandkids are loving Jesus
- Making ridiculous videos with Sammi
- Watching Trish handle a delicate (and ignorant) conversation with grace and authority
- Seeing the Lord transform a trashed lot into a safe and beautiful space for the community
- singing with Nick while washing dishes at the Salvation Army (we were having so much fun and blessing the staff there at the same time)
(and that's just a few...)
It was a tiring, stretching, hard summer .... but it was awesome.

So what now? The lyrics of a Hillsong song pretty much describe how I feel at this point;
"Standing here in Your presence
Thinking of the good things You have done
Waiting here patiently
Just to hear Your still small voice again"
Transitioning is really hard, but I know that God desires for me to be in Waco again for this season of my life, so I am just listening for his voice. The fact that I live 3 pretty separate lives (school, home and Philly) means that there is no one except the Lord who understands ALL of who I am. I am so thankful that the God I served this summer in Philly is at work here in Waco, and that he is ministering to my lonely heart.

I will close my thoughts on this summer with these two things:
(1) I got to spend a morning last week just sitting in Love park, watching people and gettting excited about the day when God calls me to live full time in Philly. It's looking like it will be probably 3 years before that happens, but I am just excited for the new phase of ministry that God is calling me into. I am ready to disciple students for more than a week at a time, to not have to say goodbye to the kids after 3 months and to commit myself to a more long term ministry.
(2) When a team was praying about God's will for their ministry one morning a couple weeks ago, a girl had a vision of a totally deserted Kensington Ave. She said it was God's dream for the street to look like that after he calls his children home....what a beautiful dream! That is the vision I choose to work for in Philly, knowing that God desires for all the broken to find healing in His heart.

Reflections on the Dentist

If I had to make a list of things that I hate, going to the dentist may very well be number one. There is absolutely nothing pleasant involved ... I tend to leave with a sore neck, an angry jaw, at least one numb lip and a little baggie full of stuff I don't need.
A couple weeks ago when I was in Baltimore I went to a new dentist (if I can get some applause ... it was my first trip to an adult dentist... haha), and after picking my teeth raw, I heard the dreaded word ... CAVITY. Great, I thought to myself, I have to come back and have my mouth assaulted again.
My mom drove me to the dentist today since I am rendered immobile by my lack of car here, and on the way she mentioned an interesting conversation she had with Dr. Schwartz following my last visit. He asked her how she got me to work with the poor. Wow. I had given him a description of what I was doing in Philly when I saw him the first time, and he seemed sort of taken aback. Then he told me a couple of times he had "interacted" with the poor (or seen them, rather) and then asked me some questions about statistics. My desire to serve the poor was foreign enough to him that he remembered to ask my mom about it days later.
My mom made it clear that she didn't get me to serve the poor, but that I have felt that as a call on my life. It is funny to me that God can use something as inconsequential as oral hygiene to serve as a starting point for ministry ... I know that the Lord is already using my mom to love on the receptionist, and apparently the small things I am doing for God seemed really huge to Dr. Schwartz, a Jew.
When I got home, I took my numb self upstairs and check my igoogle, which gave this as the daily Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 12:13 For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.

Coincidence? I think not. My prayer is that Dr. Schwartz drinks in the Spirit of Jesus, who was highly concerned with those most rejected by society, and that he too will find joy in serving God by serving His people.
Here is where my crazy train of thought takes control: I was thinking about all of this when I was running this afternoon, and thinking about Jews inevitably makes me think of my brilliant professor, Dr. Ellis. Thinking about Dr. Ellis made me think of a time he quoted Gandhi, who said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
My prayer is not to become a better Christian, but to let God mold me into the image of his Son. I know I have so much to learn, but I ache for my lifestyle to reflect Christ.

Psalm 13

I have heard before that being a project leader means two things ... (1) you hear from God in new and awesome and clear ways because he has anointed you for leadership and (2) you are hit hard by the enemy because you are in leadership. Last time I led a project, I experienced #1 in ways that I won't ever forget, but got very little of number 2. This week, however, I have experienced what it really means to be on the front lines. And, because he is such a tricky little devil (literally), Satan was really sneaky in the ways he attacked my spirit. It's just been a strange week for me ... everything has gone really well, but I have been in a weird zone all week. Yesterday especially was really hard, and I just felt like I was getting absolutely nothing from the Lord in response to all my pleadings for direction. Psalm 13 was really meaningful for me in that place...

"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me."

At coffeehouse last night, one of the teams did a human video to the Lifehouse song "Everything" (I will post a link to a version of it below) and, just like the first time I saw it, I was moved. Just when I felt beaten down by all the things Satan was throwing my way, Jesus reminded me that only he is capable of holding back those schemes and revealing Himself to me. Worship last night was one of the most awesome times I have spent with the Lord all summer ... my day was horrible, so circumstances were not the reason I sang his praise. I worshipped Him for who He is and for the cross ... there was so much more depth in that. I got to say in all earnest that I would rather have one miserable day that I get to spend with Jesus than a thousand good days spent with the things of this world. And, just like the girl in the video, I am being sanctified in the process.

Here's the video: http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

Side note: Sammi made me laugh when I needed it the most yesterday by quoting this Dane Cook joke. Beware of some bad language ... but it's worth it :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4nsI02gnUk

Musings from my week off

We haven't had a trip in Philly this week, so I spent last weekend camping with some of the kids from our neighborhood, and I have been chillin' in Baltimore since then. Here are some random thoughts on this week....

- Camping with the kids reminded me how patient the Lord is with me. 

Example #1: the kids earned trips on a kayak, and on Saturday we were hanging out by the lake while they took their turns. When we wanted to go back to the campsite, we promised the kids we would bring them back for their turn, but they got upset because they just didn't believe us. It's like when God promises his children good things (like provision, love, etc), but we refuse to believe he is going to follow through on those things. 

Example #2: Elizabeth and I were taking two of the kids on a hike, and they were both really excited about in the beginning. Right after we made it up the first hill, Cano (5) decided that he didn't want to hike anymore and he turned around and ran down the hill, refusing to listen to us asking him to wait. He could have been hurt running down the hill ... like Elizabeth says, we can't keep them safe if they refuse to listen. It reminded me so much of myself ... I am always excited for the adventures that God takes me on, but the second it gets hard, I am tempted to run away from the safety of His voice and the beauty of the journey.

- I absolutely love salmon ... I could eat it forever.

- I got to spend some sweet time with Jesus in his creation this weekend ... looking at the stars, singing him songs in the middle of a creek, etc. It makes me want to go camping all the time.

- free time isn't something I do very well ... it's fun for like two days, but then I get bored. And the things that I actually need to do never get done, because I have so much time to procrastinate. I function much more effectively when I have a lot on my plate.

- I got dressed up for dinner, and I had spent exactly $3.50 on my outfit ... that is why I love thrift stores.

- Someone this week asked me why I love Philly so much ... and I couldn't really come up with a good answer. The only real things I came up with are (1) God has done and is doing a mighty work in my life there and (2) I am in love with the ways that I can very clearly see God at work fighting the very present darkness. I think I love it so much because I know that is where God has called me for the present time ... when he wants me somewhere else, I trust he will give me His heart for that new place. As much as I love Philly, I hope that God gives me a passion for what He is doing in other places too. 

- Here is a quote I read from Come Away my Beloved ... "I have betrothed you to Myself and though you are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for you is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for your love and affection is deep and constant ... I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens ... Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in Me. You will experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord will become your strength; and wells of salvation will be opened within you." How sweet is that!

- I love how perfectly placed this week of rest was. I don't think I could have made it through another project without some good sleep. And, trust me, I have slept a lot!

- It was nice to wear something besides a t-shirt and gym shorts for a couple of days :-)

- It is really intense to think about the impact of the decisions that I make when I am doing ministry ... what I do can impact not only the mission experiences of the students that come to Philly, but also the potential salvation experiences of the people of Philly. As hard as that is, I really feel like I serve a purpose while I am there, though I am not always the best at it. It will be hard to go back to school where my life has less direct impact for the Kingdom ... or maybe I just need to see it differently. 

- I really wish I was a dancer ... thats what I think every time I watch "so you think you can dance"

- I went to the body worlds exhibit, with all the plasticized human bodies and I was struck by how we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. It was fascinating! 

Good thing He is gracious

This last project week was an interesting one ... there are a lot of different reasons I had a rough time, but it was the spiritual warfare that we encountered that left me bruised after this week. It was crazy ... there were like 5 people on one of the teams that got sick (all with completely different things), the bus broke down, we lost some of the team at one point, etc. For whatever reason, the enemy was working hard to wear us down.

For me personally, this was manifested on Tuesday night. After 8 straight weeks of AIM trips, I am running on absolutely no strength of my own, so the second that I try to carry my own weight, I end up failing. I had spent the day working extra hard on little things, and it all culminated at the end of the night when all I wanted was someone to recognize those things or even just to ask me how I was doing. No one did, and that was my breaking point.

I am not a crier... turns out I really hate crying ... I make a point to avoid it whenever possible. But, Tuesday night, the tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. 

The enemy was speaking lies/partial truths to me, and even though I recognized them as such, I chose to believe them anyway. It was not just one untruth, but quite a few ... some more rational than others. Every time one lie entered my mind, I could hear the Lord's response. Even when legitimate failures were brought up by the enemy, the Lord sung his graciousness over me. But instead of reacting in any way that made sense, I refused to listen. All I wanted was someone I could see to tell me what I was doing right, or even just to give me a hug. But my best friend didn't answer the phone, my parents were already off to bed, I was alone in the staff room... the Lord refused to let me walk away from my tantrum without working things out with Him. 

Looking back, and even in the moment, I felt so childish and foolish. I just wanted to wallow in my problems instead of listening to the voice of Love that was clearly ministering to my heart. I finally gave up and went to bed, and then awoke the next morning with shame in my silliness. But it was so good, because the Lord reminded me that (1) I am definitely his CHILD, and that any maturity I gain is not of myself (2) that Satan is stupid (3) letting my guard down is never an option and (4) the Lord loves me enough to wrestle with me, to speak words of love and betrothal and to pour his graciousness out on me.

Men of the Lord

So I am done getting on Facebook, because every time I do, I find out at least one more person I know has gotten engaged. Don't get me wrong ... I am really excited that the Lord has brought them to that season of their life, but it just sometimes makes me discontent with where He has me. Especially since I have just met very few men seeking the Lord with all their heart. Our society teaches men that dependency is a bad thing, and that is the essence of relationship with God. So, unfortunately, there just aren't too many men out there that are abandoned to the Kingdom. Good thing I only really need one :-)
So after talking with an adult leader from the trip this week, I have decided to make a list of things I am looking for in the man that I am going to marry. Keep in mind that this is not a static list, and that somethings are a lot more important than others. But I want this out there so that all y'all that love me can hold me accountable to these things (which are in no particular order).

I WANT...
- a man who is recklessly in love with the Lord
- a man who is aware of his strengths and uses them for the glory of God
- a man who is aware of his weaknesses and has surrendered them to the power of God
- a man who can make me laugh hard and a lot
- a man who will absolutely pursue me
- a man who aches to hear the will and ministry of the Lord, and practices listening prayer in his daily life
- a man who is committed to discipleship
- a man who believes in the gifts of the Holy Spirit
- a man who will lovingly call me out on my crap and will receptively allow me to do the same
- a man who believes that women have an equal place in ministry, and who will support me in my giftings
- a man who loves kids, and wants to have both adopted and biological children
- a man who is FULL of the Father's wisdom
- a good communicator!
- a man who will trust the Lord to be the provider for our family
- a man who loves my tattoos
- a man who is liberal with praise, compliments ands words of love
- a man who knows scripture
- a man who will hug and not let go
- a man who isn't tone deaf (bonus points if he can harmonize)
- a thinker!
- a man with an understanding of fiscal responsibility
- a man that is significantly taller than me
- a fervent, passionate worshipper
- a man who is willing to try to dance
- a man who embodies faithfulness -- to the Lord, to his callings, to his family and to me!
- a man who enjoys similar things (music, reading, naps, walks, playing, etc.)
- a man who loves me because of my quirks and not in spite of them
- a man who will lead our relationship but not control it
- a man who is committed to service (especially to the poor and oppressed)
- a man who is willing to fight hard for our relationship ... FOREVER!
- a man who is healthy and who takes care of himself
- a man who is attractive to me
- a man who will go wherever the Lord call, when He calls
- a man with self-discipline
- a man who is solid and stable (to balance my dreaming, flighty nature)
- a man I can be silly with
- a man who will establish physical and emotional boundaries from the outset of our relationship
- a man who CHERISHES me!

Whew...that's a long list. I don't feel like I deserve this kind of man yet...that is why I am glad that the Lord is going to continue to mold me into the kind of woman who does. If you have comments or suggestions for the list, let me know.
After seeing pictures of my friends' engagement rings the other day, I was thinking about how fun it will be to have one of those on my hand. But then I looked down at my left ring finger, and saw my ring that says "I am my Beloved's, my Beloved is mine" ... no promise is better than the one given by my heavenly bridegroom. So I can wait.