God is so good to convict me, and to call me out of my wanderings and into Himself.
In the words of CS Lewis, I am" like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because [she] cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
The past several months have been marked by a wandering from the things that I love -- and mainly my first Love -- in exchange for things that offer temporary gratification. When God drew me to the sanctuary last week and dealt lovingly with me, I was brought to the prophets. The unfaithfulness of Israel is not unlike my own unfaithfulness, and God gives wonderful pictures of his powerful redemption.
So I decided yesterday to read through Isaiah, and God used the very first chapter to convict and call me. Verses 5-6 read, "Why do you seek further beatings? Why do you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick and the whole heart faint." I have strayed so much from the things that God has taught me be to be true that it feels like my mind is sick with untruth and my heart whittled away. I have believed that I need to act, look, dress and be a certain way in order to be loved .... I lost the security that breeds a profound and otherwise unattainable courage. I have offered many sacrifices (v. 11), but (until last week) not one of a broken and contrite heart. I have watered down the wine offered to me by Christ and run after gifts offered by other lovers. But I choose to be willing and obedient (v. 19), knowing that my scarlet sins shall become like wool (v. 18).
Interestingly enough, my disobedience has bred fear that has affected the way I relate to the poor. I have believed a lie of entitlement that justifies my selfishly spent time and resources.
I just finished reading "Jesus Wants to Save Christians" by Rob Bell (an interesting read ... ask me if you want my full thoughts on it), which brought to my attention all the ways that I have bought into a cultural empire that champions consumption and acquisition. The Lord is reminding me that he deserves the first fruits of my time, energy and money ... I have been hoarding things for myself, without realizing that they don't even belong to me. I spent a lot of the day today packing up for my move next week, and I am almost sickened by the ridiculous amount of things that I have. I don't really know what it looks like to pursue stewardship, but that is my prayer for the coming days. My total lack of stewardship is a scarlet patch that I want to be washed clean, knowing that the pursuit of God implies a turning away from material goods (holla, Tozer!).
I am not sure if there was a logical progression to that at all ... sorry! Just thoughts on where I am at.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Dream Home
So I went with my mom and her interior decorator to pick out cabinetry today ... and it was extremely boring. I think that I will be largely unconcerned with the way that my future house looks, as long as it is cozy and inviting. But there are two things that I desperately want: (1) one of those sweet metal spiral staircases with really tight turns ... I don't care if they are a pain, because I think they are wonderful (2) a library with a rolling ladder and a big leather chair. Other than those two things, I am not too picky ... I will just make my decorator best friend Lindsay design everything else.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
If I Could Hug Anyone ...
it would be GK Chesterton. He is probably my favorite person ever, and for sure my favorite author.
I just finished "The Man Who Was Thursday," and it was wonderful! It is a ridiculous story about anarchists, but really it is about modernity's attempt to kill God. When I say ridiculous, I mean it ... there are swordfights, mobs, secret lairs, a dance complete with ridiculous costumes, and a man riding an elephant. And that is why I so dearly love GKC ... because only he can make the fantastical (and even farcical) into a striking lesson about God and living in the Kingdom. The book makes it very clear that nothing is what it seems, but for the purpose of giving one hope in the unseen. This is not a dualist book, however, for Chesteron does not find the visible to be wholly bad ... one character says near the end:
"Shall I tell you the secret of the whole world? It is that we have only known the back of the world. We see everything from behind, and it looks brutal. That is not a tree, but the back of a tree. That is not a cloud, but the back of a cloud. Cannot you see that everything is stooping and hiding a face?"
How wonderful an expression of the truth that nature and the world were created good, but sin has forced the goodness of life to turn its back on us. Redemption of the world will allow us to see the world as it was meant to be seen, trading its brutality for beauty.
This is a book for those who are frustrated with life, its meaninglessness and its confusion ... the peace of God looks very unlike what we would imagine, and this book gives the reader a new perspective (or rather illuminates her/his current one).
Read it ... you will love it. It is weird and crazy and phenomenal.
I just finished "The Man Who Was Thursday," and it was wonderful! It is a ridiculous story about anarchists, but really it is about modernity's attempt to kill God. When I say ridiculous, I mean it ... there are swordfights, mobs, secret lairs, a dance complete with ridiculous costumes, and a man riding an elephant. And that is why I so dearly love GKC ... because only he can make the fantastical (and even farcical) into a striking lesson about God and living in the Kingdom. The book makes it very clear that nothing is what it seems, but for the purpose of giving one hope in the unseen. This is not a dualist book, however, for Chesteron does not find the visible to be wholly bad ... one character says near the end:
"Shall I tell you the secret of the whole world? It is that we have only known the back of the world. We see everything from behind, and it looks brutal. That is not a tree, but the back of a tree. That is not a cloud, but the back of a cloud. Cannot you see that everything is stooping and hiding a face?"
How wonderful an expression of the truth that nature and the world were created good, but sin has forced the goodness of life to turn its back on us. Redemption of the world will allow us to see the world as it was meant to be seen, trading its brutality for beauty.
This is a book for those who are frustrated with life, its meaninglessness and its confusion ... the peace of God looks very unlike what we would imagine, and this book gives the reader a new perspective (or rather illuminates her/his current one).
Read it ... you will love it. It is weird and crazy and phenomenal.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The End of another Era ...
This has been a summer of change for me ... and some pretty massive changes, for that matter. I graduated from college, ended my lifetime status as a student, moved out of the town that has been home to me for four years, watched my best friend get married and move to the opposite end of the country, started the process of ending my financial dependency ... woah. And now I am ending a three-summer ministry streak in Philly.
Yesterday the Lord called me to sit with him in the upper sanctuary of the church where we live (a place the two of us have met powerfully in the past), and he spoke beautiful things to me. He ministered his redemption powerfully to me and, despite my valiant efforts to avoid him, he dealt with darkness that I had let fester in my heart.
And then he brought to mind people, places, and events connected to Philly that have blessed and changed my life. This place has been of the utmost importance to my life, and I can do nothing but profusely thank the Lord for his generous gifts.
So thank you, God, for:
water ice, Kensington Ave, prayer walks, grasshopper pie, breaking the chains of addiction, worship, our creaky staircase, fire hydrants, Rocky, Vinnie and Destiny, Love Park, sweet baby Selah, community, leadership, comfortlessness, Trish, speaking newness into my life, morning coffee with the staff, a hero (Elizabeth), wisdom, getting to see you wreck students and then build them up again, hard lessons, hipsters, Cast Your Cares, cheesesteaks, Belmont, Rock Ministries, the dress code, midnight vomit clean-up, basement adventures, Jonerik, Frank, footwashing, humility, authority, tattoos, and so many other things I can't begin to express in words.
I know that I will be back, hopefully even next summer to lead a project. But I am walking into a new life season that doesn't afford the opportunity to spend months at a time here. Lord, thank you for letting me be here ... please bring me back someday!
Yesterday the Lord called me to sit with him in the upper sanctuary of the church where we live (a place the two of us have met powerfully in the past), and he spoke beautiful things to me. He ministered his redemption powerfully to me and, despite my valiant efforts to avoid him, he dealt with darkness that I had let fester in my heart.
And then he brought to mind people, places, and events connected to Philly that have blessed and changed my life. This place has been of the utmost importance to my life, and I can do nothing but profusely thank the Lord for his generous gifts.
So thank you, God, for:
water ice, Kensington Ave, prayer walks, grasshopper pie, breaking the chains of addiction, worship, our creaky staircase, fire hydrants, Rocky, Vinnie and Destiny, Love Park, sweet baby Selah, community, leadership, comfortlessness, Trish, speaking newness into my life, morning coffee with the staff, a hero (Elizabeth), wisdom, getting to see you wreck students and then build them up again, hard lessons, hipsters, Cast Your Cares, cheesesteaks, Belmont, Rock Ministries, the dress code, midnight vomit clean-up, basement adventures, Jonerik, Frank, footwashing, humility, authority, tattoos, and so many other things I can't begin to express in words.
I know that I will be back, hopefully even next summer to lead a project. But I am walking into a new life season that doesn't afford the opportunity to spend months at a time here. Lord, thank you for letting me be here ... please bring me back someday!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Radical Reformission
So I recently finished “The Radical Reformission” by Mark Driscoll … I have never been good at keeping up with the latest pastors and their books (I am too caught up in a long list of dead theologians), so this was a very different kind of book for me to read. I asked Anson (the youth pastor that I am about to intern with) to tell me the name of one book I should read before coming to work with him … Reformission was it. And, after reading it, I can partially understand why this would be his choice – the book is primarily concerned with understanding what it looks like to minister to our culture.
And there were some things that I appreciated about the book … he writes at great length about the dangers of morality-championing rhetoric, the importance of discipleship in evangelism and finding ways to relate to culture and to people without compromising the integrity of the gospel … all good things.
However, there were a lot of things that frustrated me about the book. Two of those things are fairly biased, but (in my opinion) depreciate the value of the book: (1) his writing style was …ummm, hokey? Is that how you spell that word? At times it was entertaining, and at times it was straightforward enough that I could ignore it, but it was just kind of cheesy. I got the impression that he was trying entirely too hard to keep me engaged … (2) He aggressively defends traditional gender roles, and categorizes feminists with ‘alcoholics, perverts, adulterers and nut jobs.’ He uses the word ‘tragic’ when describing the woman’s suffrage and finds feminine piety regrettable. Ridiculous!
But, independent of my feminist ideals and my love for good writing, I still had a few problems with the book. Perhaps my biggest problem with the book is the way in which he talks out of both sides of his mouth. He says that both fundamentalism and liberalism are unfortunate extremes that hurt the gospel, but seems to only disagree with fundamentalism on one issue: alcohol. He has an entire chapter devoted to defending alcohol (well, actually just dark beer), which not only seemed awkwardly out-of-place, but his one main deviance from fundamentalist theology. He says tattoos and secular music are ok for Christians, but anything that even vaguely resembles liberalism is unallowable. He wants to advocate a middle ground, but really he is just a beer-drinking fundamentalist. Or, for another example, he explicitly says that postmodernism is not something to be opposed or embraced … and then he proceeds with a seven-fold attack on all things postmodern.
To clarify, I think there is validity in condemning facets of liberalism and postmodernism …. but he wholly condemns them while claiming to do something else. It was an incredibly frustrating book to read because I had a hard time understanding where he was going and what he was actually trying to say. And I was also frustrated by his extreme simplification of important thinkers and theologians. At one point, he attempts to sum up the Western thought and the rise of postmodernism in two pages … he states that it is not an academic treatment of the subject, yet he invokes Descartes, Nietzsche, Derrida, Hegel and Kierkegaard as though they are simple thinkers you can just toss into conversation.
Near the end of the book, he attacks the emergent church … previously, this would not have been problematic for me. But after going to a lecture in which Tony Jones (a leader of the emergent church) came to Baylor and explained a lot of what the emergent church, Driscoll’s unforgiving critique seemed harsh. I will say no more here ...
Wow … this is turning out to be quite the biting commentary. As you can tell, it is not necessarily one that I would recommend, but here are a few quotes that I loved (you know, trying to end on a good note):
- “Reformission requires that Christians and their churches move forward on their knees, continually confessing their addictions to morality and the appearance of godliness, which does no penetrate the heart and transform lives”
- “Innovation, when not tethered to the truth of the gospel, leads to heresy”
- “Anytime that Jesus is used as a means to an end, a false gospel has been introduced”
And there were some things that I appreciated about the book … he writes at great length about the dangers of morality-championing rhetoric, the importance of discipleship in evangelism and finding ways to relate to culture and to people without compromising the integrity of the gospel … all good things.
However, there were a lot of things that frustrated me about the book. Two of those things are fairly biased, but (in my opinion) depreciate the value of the book: (1) his writing style was …ummm, hokey? Is that how you spell that word? At times it was entertaining, and at times it was straightforward enough that I could ignore it, but it was just kind of cheesy. I got the impression that he was trying entirely too hard to keep me engaged … (2) He aggressively defends traditional gender roles, and categorizes feminists with ‘alcoholics, perverts, adulterers and nut jobs.’ He uses the word ‘tragic’ when describing the woman’s suffrage and finds feminine piety regrettable. Ridiculous!
But, independent of my feminist ideals and my love for good writing, I still had a few problems with the book. Perhaps my biggest problem with the book is the way in which he talks out of both sides of his mouth. He says that both fundamentalism and liberalism are unfortunate extremes that hurt the gospel, but seems to only disagree with fundamentalism on one issue: alcohol. He has an entire chapter devoted to defending alcohol (well, actually just dark beer), which not only seemed awkwardly out-of-place, but his one main deviance from fundamentalist theology. He says tattoos and secular music are ok for Christians, but anything that even vaguely resembles liberalism is unallowable. He wants to advocate a middle ground, but really he is just a beer-drinking fundamentalist. Or, for another example, he explicitly says that postmodernism is not something to be opposed or embraced … and then he proceeds with a seven-fold attack on all things postmodern.
To clarify, I think there is validity in condemning facets of liberalism and postmodernism …. but he wholly condemns them while claiming to do something else. It was an incredibly frustrating book to read because I had a hard time understanding where he was going and what he was actually trying to say. And I was also frustrated by his extreme simplification of important thinkers and theologians. At one point, he attempts to sum up the Western thought and the rise of postmodernism in two pages … he states that it is not an academic treatment of the subject, yet he invokes Descartes, Nietzsche, Derrida, Hegel and Kierkegaard as though they are simple thinkers you can just toss into conversation.
Near the end of the book, he attacks the emergent church … previously, this would not have been problematic for me. But after going to a lecture in which Tony Jones (a leader of the emergent church) came to Baylor and explained a lot of what the emergent church, Driscoll’s unforgiving critique seemed harsh. I will say no more here ...
Wow … this is turning out to be quite the biting commentary. As you can tell, it is not necessarily one that I would recommend, but here are a few quotes that I loved (you know, trying to end on a good note):
- “Reformission requires that Christians and their churches move forward on their knees, continually confessing their addictions to morality and the appearance of godliness, which does no penetrate the heart and transform lives”
- “Innovation, when not tethered to the truth of the gospel, leads to heresy”
- “Anytime that Jesus is used as a means to an end, a false gospel has been introduced”
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Back Again!
After waiting for months with baited breath (haha ... NOT!) ... you need not wait any longer -- I am blogging again! I realized two things this week: (1) God is teaching me so much, allowing me to experience so much and doing such mighty and wonderful things that I need to write them down! and (2) I have incredibly strong opinions about a lot of things, and it is much better to post them in a blog than to erupt in intellectual tirades all the time with my poor, unsuspecting friends. Plus, I am about to begin a wonderful new chapter in my life, and I want to share that with my friends and family across the country!
I am back in Philly. Whenever I come back here, it reminds me of Joshua 4:4-7, which says:
"So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, "Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever."
Returning to Philly for me is like returning to an altar signifying all that God has done in my life -- he did a miraculous work in me here, and being here refreshes my relationship with him in a special way. Granted, it was quite the transition ... I went from wedding world (complete with cupcakes, dresses, flowers, etc) straight into stark poverty. I had not prepared my heart at all for that transition, and God has been beating out my selfishness in the last two weeks. I have been characteristically caught up in my own situation, and the Lord is having to scrub hard to remove the set-in stains of pride and self-indulgence in my life. And, because of that, I have felt largely unqualified to be leading inner-city trips here. I ache for the students who come to experience the Lord in the powerful way that I have, and I fear that I will just get in the way.
I am leading the project this week, which is an especially intimidating task. Being young and female makes my leadership questionable to some people, and with the added insecurity about the state of my heart, I started to listen to a lot of lies from the enemy last night. It turns out, I really am unqualified, but that is pefect .... I am incapable of leading these teams in my own strength, but the Lord has given me an extra measure of His. God has taken my plans and changed them, reminding me that His will is going to be accomplished this week. Reading through Esther has been a great reminder that God's providence is perfect, and that I have been placed in Philly for such a time as this.
Here is a quick list of some moments that have been really sweet for me since coming here:
- Frank Varaso prayed over me when I first got here, and he prayed for things that I needed but hadn't shared with him ... thanks Holy Spirit!
- I was pretty sure that God was speaking Phillipians 2 over this particular project week, but the Lord confirmed it in a really neat way!
- I got to lead a prayer walk yesterday, and God not only re-broke my heart for this city, but I got to watch as an especially difficult student connected with the Lord for the first time since being here!
- I have gotten to help lead worship ... and loved it! Especially one night when Jonerik and I sang a song that has been incredbily close to my heart ... it sounded beautiful because both of us were connecting with the Lord in an awesome way!
- As project leader this week, the staff has supported me in incredible ways! I have been so blessed by their fearless service.
- I am honored to be working with fabulous youth pastors ... they are flexible, fun, and dedicated to their students in a way that I fiercely admire.
- I got to spend some quality time with Selah (Frank and Elizabeth's baby) ... She cuddled and snuggled up on my shoulder and fell asleep. It was perfectly relaxing and peaceful!
- Pretty much every moment of every day is awesome (sometimes more in retrospect, though) ... I get to be a part of the Lord working in the lives of students and I get to see his continued redemption of the people of this city!
So that was kind of incoherent ... but such is the state of my mind these days!
I am back in Philly. Whenever I come back here, it reminds me of Joshua 4:4-7, which says:
"So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, "Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever."
Returning to Philly for me is like returning to an altar signifying all that God has done in my life -- he did a miraculous work in me here, and being here refreshes my relationship with him in a special way. Granted, it was quite the transition ... I went from wedding world (complete with cupcakes, dresses, flowers, etc) straight into stark poverty. I had not prepared my heart at all for that transition, and God has been beating out my selfishness in the last two weeks. I have been characteristically caught up in my own situation, and the Lord is having to scrub hard to remove the set-in stains of pride and self-indulgence in my life. And, because of that, I have felt largely unqualified to be leading inner-city trips here. I ache for the students who come to experience the Lord in the powerful way that I have, and I fear that I will just get in the way.
I am leading the project this week, which is an especially intimidating task. Being young and female makes my leadership questionable to some people, and with the added insecurity about the state of my heart, I started to listen to a lot of lies from the enemy last night. It turns out, I really am unqualified, but that is pefect .... I am incapable of leading these teams in my own strength, but the Lord has given me an extra measure of His. God has taken my plans and changed them, reminding me that His will is going to be accomplished this week. Reading through Esther has been a great reminder that God's providence is perfect, and that I have been placed in Philly for such a time as this.
Here is a quick list of some moments that have been really sweet for me since coming here:
- Frank Varaso prayed over me when I first got here, and he prayed for things that I needed but hadn't shared with him ... thanks Holy Spirit!
- I was pretty sure that God was speaking Phillipians 2 over this particular project week, but the Lord confirmed it in a really neat way!
- I got to lead a prayer walk yesterday, and God not only re-broke my heart for this city, but I got to watch as an especially difficult student connected with the Lord for the first time since being here!
- I have gotten to help lead worship ... and loved it! Especially one night when Jonerik and I sang a song that has been incredbily close to my heart ... it sounded beautiful because both of us were connecting with the Lord in an awesome way!
- As project leader this week, the staff has supported me in incredible ways! I have been so blessed by their fearless service.
- I am honored to be working with fabulous youth pastors ... they are flexible, fun, and dedicated to their students in a way that I fiercely admire.
- I got to spend some quality time with Selah (Frank and Elizabeth's baby) ... She cuddled and snuggled up on my shoulder and fell asleep. It was perfectly relaxing and peaceful!
- Pretty much every moment of every day is awesome (sometimes more in retrospect, though) ... I get to be a part of the Lord working in the lives of students and I get to see his continued redemption of the people of this city!
So that was kind of incoherent ... but such is the state of my mind these days!
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