Ethics

So I am going to confess that I am a big dork. Yesterday during my Christian Ethics class we had to fill out those teacher/course evaluation forms and I kept thinking about much I loved the class and how sad I am that it is over. Like I said....dork. I am pretty positive that it is my favorite class that I have taken at Baylor, because every single day I would leave after our 50 minutes of voting and discussion with so much to mull over and think about. The biggest theme we addressed was the Christian relationship to culture, and my professor did such a good job of making us look at the world differently than we ever had before (he is an all-star at playing devil's advocate). For those of you who talk to me on any kind of regular basis, you know that I am constantly thinking of new things I could do with the rest of my life. As of yesterday, I added getting a PhD in Ethics to that list.

Speaking of my ethics class, I am going to put this out there on the Internet so that everyone knows and everyone can hold me accountable. We watched a movie about women working in Tijuana, Mexico who assemble electronics for big corporations that have factories there. I couldn't walk away from the movie and continue to live my consumerist lifestyle in the same way. So I have decided to buy only clothing made by companies who provide their employees with safe working conditions, benefits, and a living wage (or from thrift stores). I am committing to do this for a year, but the more I research, the more I think that this will be a long term conviction. There are too many people being taken advantage of so that I can have cheap clothes...human exploitation is not worth the dollars saved. This won't include formal wear (I don't even know where you would find that), underwear, or outerwear -- but everything else I am committing to "boycott." I am quickly realizing that this is going to be harder than I first imagined (turns out most of the stores I love utilize sweatshops), but turns out sacrifice is something Jesus calls us to do. So hold me accountable.

Is it summer yet?

Shoot dang... I am pretty much the worst student ever. I am sitting at work, which is pretty much just four hours of scheduled study time. But what am I doing right now? NOT STUDYING. I am just so ready for the summer... I love all my classes, but I am just burnt out on reading for right now. As much as my trip to Philly was AMAZING, it has made being in Waco just that much harder. Don't get me wrong, I love school ... I just so happen to have found my heartbeat in Philly and I am ready to go back for a while. I just have to make it through a whole bunch of reading and writing, with a couple of finals mixed in and then I will get to go back.

So, anyway, here are some random thoughts to share:

(1) In my liberation theology class, one of my peers mentioned that she feels the need to self-edit all the time in order to be accepted by our patriarchal society. Interesting, eh? Especially because I can see little evidences of that in my own life. Example: when I was in Philly having a conversation about women in the church, it was me talking with 7 adult males. I found myself not saying a lot of things that I wanted to because I didn't want to be labeled as a femi-nazi. Even though I self-edited, I still got jokes and comments for the rest of the week. I know that they weren't meant to be hurtful, but it makes me wonder what would've been said about me had I felt free to say what I think. Maybe its not just women who feel the need to self-edit....and maybe self-editing isn't necessarily a bad thing... just some things to think about.

(2) I get to see in a manatee in for the first time in just a few short weeks! Get excited!

(3) Is it fair for families to have the power of attorney to change the wishes of a person in the even that he/she should become a "vegetable"? Me and some friends argued about this for almost an hour at lunch the other day (ya, superficiality isn't something we do well), and it became pretty heated. It seems ridiculous to me that if I have explictly expressed my wishes to be taken of life-suppot in such a scenario, my family can still legal keep me on. Maybe I am just being selfish. Thoughts?

(4) I love chocolate pudding. A lot.

(5) I really feel like God it calling me to walk out in faith for my future by NOT applying for seminary/social work schoool and NOT taking the GRE. Crazy, huh? So now the question is: what next? Here are some possibilites: move to Georgia for a couple of years and intern at a church (pretty strong possibility), be a part of a new Community Life program through AIM (though I don't know where the dollars for that would come from), maybe just move to India for a while, work for a non-profit...shoot, there are so many possibilities! Feel free to contribute to the list :)

(6) I have the best roommates in the world.

(7) God is really good at convicting me ... and sometimes I really don't like it. And I try to ignore it. And then he shoves it in my face.

(8) This is the longest post ever. If you are still reading, you must be as unproductive as me :)

My Trip to Philly

So...if you are thinking about taking a week off school to go and reconnect with God, do it! I decided on a whim last semester that I would help lead a spring break trip to Philly, and it is so crazy to me that God knew at that point how much I would need to be there.

To clarify: before I left for Philly, I was at a really shaky point with the Lord, because so much of what I had known to be true was ripped out from under me. Specifically, reading the book "Beyond God the Father" messed up my conceptions of what it means to be a woman and a Christian. I was treading water, trying to find a firm foundation. The infallibility of scripture, the oppression of patriarchy and the nature of God were all things I was wrestling with....not an easy load :) All of that on top of Steppin' Out, trying to get work done and family issues lead to me being emotionally, spiritually and physically wasted.

Good thing God saw me there.

Here is how God responded:
- bringing me home! Philly has my heart, and just being there reconnected me when I felt so...well, unconnected.
- wrestling with me. God allowed me to come before him with my questions, my frustrations and the deepest hurts of my heart. When so many people were trivializing my questions and concerns, I never felt that God did.
- putting people around me to speak into my life...I still don't know how I feel about the Biblical portrayal of my role as a woman, but I do know that I had only been getting one perspective and I needed more.
- Psalm 139
- giving me opportunities to love Him with my heart and my hands, instead of thinking about him with my mind
- calling me to live fully in the present, and making a way for my future that will allow me both to challenge and be challenged

God is doing so many crazy things in my life and heart right now....this doesn't even begin to capture how complicated my thoughts are, but God is working with me. How cool is that?

Here I am

I decided on a whim today to join the blogging ranks ... which is pretty random, seeing as I have fostered a hatred of blogging in the past. I guess I just decided that God is just doing too many things in my life for me to keep them to myself. As the bible says,

"All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,

so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom." Psalm 145: 10-12

As my first post suggests, the name for my blog came from an amazing derek webb song which has characterized my relationship with the Lord ... though I am incredibly unfaithful, I am running desperately down the aisle with my eyes fixed on my Bridegroom. Much more to come...

Blog Title

"If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife"

- derek webb