Vacillate

1. to waver in mind or opinion; be indecisive or irresolute.

2. to sway unsteadily; waver; totter; stagger.

3. to oscillate or fluctuate.

I start my blog post with a definition because I am re-training my mind to think about words not as clay to be molded or tools to be employed, but rather as representatives of definitions. I signed up to take the GRE this summer, so am easing myself into the study process. I know, it is still like 4 months away, but my life is so busy that if I don't start now I will surely be unprepared. Even as I write this post, there is a little pile of flash cards calling for my attention.

But the reason I chose that particular word to define is because I feel my name should be definition #4. I "sway unsteadily" between the exciting reveries of my heart and my desire for a slow, lazy life. My wonderful boyfriend gave me a beautiful book for Valentine's day called "Slow: Life in Tuscan Town," and it makes me long for simplicity and an easy pace. Part of me wants to just work a normal day job, read myriads of fun flippant books, take lots of leisurely walks and sleep more than anyone should. I want to stop thinking big thoughts and reading big books and chasing big dreams. I want to just eat mangos and wipe my face on my shirt and lay in the grass and play with cooking vegan food and try my hand at all kinds of art and do nothing in particular.

But then I remember one big problem ... that is not really what I want.

I am not sure what I am going to end up doing with my life, but I know myself well enough to acknowledge that I don't find contentment in normalcy. In fact, the parts of my life (big and small) that comprise my deviance from the status quo are the places where I find most of my fulfillment and joy. I know that the Lord has seated something large in me, though I am not sure what it is. I want to seek Him and I want to lead and I want to learn (all day every day) and I want to change the world and I want to see chains broken and I want to write and I want to teach and I want pursue my purpose as intentionally as my Savior pursued His purpose.

Every time I want to be lazy and shake of my responsibilities, I find myself reawakened to the things that really bring life to me.
Example: On Sunday, I had absolutely no desire to go to our Compassion Leadership Team meeting. I was tired and I wanted to go to bed. But then I got to spend time with these wonderful students, and I watched their hearts burn with the splendor of God. They are still learning, and walking with them isn't easy, but it makes me feel alive to watch them being imbued with the heart of God

I had a long conversation with one of my co-workers at Barnes and Noble about how we both have dreams that we sometimes leave unrealized. She majored in journalism and French with the intention of being a travel writer, but decided it was too much work to break into a field with internships and jobs at small local papers. She is a phenomenal person ... she is kind, diligent in work at B&N, and has an easy smile that makes everyone comfortable. But her life is kind of a plateau ... she works, reads, watches TV, sleeps, spends times with friends ... over and over. And that conversation made me realize again that good things in life come with suffering and sorrow (something Jesus modeled well), but that the return is glorious.

So I am working to squelch my desire for futility and to become resolute in my pursuit of the Lord and his peaceful (but not easy) plans for my life.

PS -- I am sorry my blog is so introspective. It almost feels indulgent to write the way that I do about my life. But nobody is forcing you to read it :)

Oh, B&N

I learn a lot from the customers that come into Barnes and Noble.
Sometimes customers choose to educate me on the latest sci-fi novel that I MUST read, or the details of their favorite romance novel or they kindly let me know that Marge Simpson was featured in Playboy (ummm, yeah ... I am not even going to address that here). These enlightening moments are the ones that I try to avoid.
Other customers teach me things like patience, or kindness or (at the very least) self-control -- I am talking about the needy customers who want help finding 5 obscure books, or the rude customers who effectively treat me as their retail slave, or the packs of teenagers that stand in the sex section and giggle for an hour. I couldn't avoid these customers even if I wanted to -- they find me.
But, in all fairness, most customers don't fit into the aforementioned categories. They are just good people who are quick to engage in conversation about the books they have come to find. And I love it.
For example, I learned a lot about lyme disease from a woman the other day. We spent a good amount of time at the computer trying to find a book on the disease, so I casually mentioned that I know nothing about it. That was one of the many blessing of growing up in the great state of Colorado ... I didn't even know what ticks were until fairly recently. So she started telling me about the disease and its symptoms, the way it is typically transmitted, etc. What was most surprising to me was the debate in the medical community about the validity of chronic lyme disease. I forget that there is so much subjectivity in medicine ... it seems a lot of suffering is ignored in the middle of the debate. This woman was talking about her husband. She was telling me that he has had all the classic symptoms for 5 years, but that many doctors dismiss the notion that lyme disease is present. She didn't say anything especially heart-wrenching, but she has clearly borne his burden. It makes me want to be a lyme disease advocate. Something that I would never have cared about except for the generous conversation of a customer.
And then, tonight, I learned about this philosopher named Edmund Gettier. A guy in his early twenties (whose fashion sense screamed, 'I am so Enlightened!') came to find a book on this philosopher and was dismayed to find that no such book exists. So I asked him who Gettier is, and he told me that in one 3-page paper, Gettier demolished one of the most basic philosophic tenants. Since Plato, knowledge has been generally defined as 'justified true belief.' And, in three pages, this guy moves to shut down a legacy of thought. In three pages, he moved a whole discipline to reconsider it's understanding of knowledge. Crazy. So I learned three things from this customer: (1) the name and significance of an important 20th century thinker, (2) that words are immensely powerful ... probably more so than we will ever understand, (3) that I don't know much at all. {{ ** Side note: this customer looked about as directionless as anyone I've met ... I saw a latent intellectual hopelessness in him. Jesus, meet this man and show him what knowledge is and from Whom it comes. }}
People are treasure-troves of wonderful stories, thoughts, information, interests, passions -- the moments where I chose to operate out of this truth are the best moments at work for me.

Pseudonym

So I created a pseudonym for myself tonight ... call me a dork, call me strange, but I am pretty pumped about it. You may very well be asking, "For what reason would you need a pseudonym, Emily?"
Well, for my latest thought project. And I don't think I want this project connected to me in case it sucks :)
This will most certainly sound foolish, but creating an alter-ego of sorts is a fun drive-home-from-work task.
Try it ... and thank me later.